Never Stay Down

Imagine that you’re walking on a city sidewalk on your way to run an errand.  You’re walking with a purposeful stride, the sun is out, life is good, and you’re on a mission to get things done.  As your head is on a swivel taking in your surroundings at eye level, there is chip in the sidewalk ahead of you.  It’s sitting there with impending misfortune for your next few steps and you’re completely unaware of the foreshadowing that is about to become reality.  The toe of your shoe catches the jagged sidewalk and you stumble and fall to the ground.  After gathering yourself, you stare back at the chip that led to your demise with severe disdain as you check your hands, elbows and knees.  With no physical damage done, your cheeks are a bit flushed with embarrassment.  Then without a second thought, you get up and continue on your way to reach your destination.  I take you through this scenario because we’ve all experienced something similar, and in each situation we always get up and continue on our way after we stumble or fall. 

Life is full of unexpected chipped sidewalks laying in our paths as we pursue our goals.  Sometimes it’s the loss of a job, failing a class, a break up/divorce, financial struggles or anything else that we don’t anticipate that makes us stumble and fall on our path through life.  But similar to the above scenario as if it was an actual chip in the sidewalk that we stumbled on, we need to get back up and continue on our way.

When life’s unforeseen obstacles make us fall, our pride might take a hit and quite often there is some pain that comes with it.  Sure it may hurt for a while or we might be lucky and it’s a short lived pain.  Ultimately however, it will not hurt forever, and we can heal from those heartaches and pains that make us feel like a failure, or that we aren’t good enough.  What matters most is that we don’t give up moving forward and just sit there stationary in our lives because of one misstep.  Imagine if you were still sitting in the spot where you last tripped and fell on the ground.  There’s no way that you would sit on that sidewalk for days, months or years without getting up.  So if you wouldn’t let that happen, then let’s not get stuck in the rut we’ve fallen in after getting knocked down in life.

Sure it seems easy for me to say to you from outside the box as I sit behind my laptop writing this, because I don’t know your story or what you’re going through.  But I do know that you’re a strong person and so am I, and we’ve all survived difficult times in our lives before.  Quite often it is very tough when we’re in a situation to see a way out of it, but we’ve survived hardships before, so we can do it again!  This isn’t the first and it certainly won’t be the last time we stumble and fall, so let’s get back up and keep on pursuing that dream, chasing that goal, and making a difference before we stumbled and fell.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through experience it’s that life doesn’t always go the way we’ve planned it.  It’s filled with those cracked sidewalks to make us trip, and fall, and it’s filled with plenty of detours as well.  The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but there’s always a detour when it comes to life and it certainly isn’t always linear. 

That’s when we need to dig deep within ourselves to find that intrinsic motivation and refocus on our goals.  Figure out what our true motivation was at the beginning of our journey before we fell.  This is the first step to help picking ourselves back up.  Sometimes there is some pain in getting back up, and we need others to help us out.  It feels dependent, when all we want is independence, but there’s nothing wrong with that.  That’s the time when we look to family and friends, people in our community, or our social/professional network that can help get us back on our feet after getting knocked down.  Other times we need to pay a little more attention to the details and maybe retry something with a little more effort but just slightly change it.  Then the next time that chip in the sidewalk gets closer, we can step right over it, and keep on walking.

It’s important to remember that no matter what, we should not stay down.  We need to take some time to make sure we’re ok and ready to get back up.  Then make it happen, and stand stronger than ever while moving forward with the purpose and determination headed in the direction of success that we were moving towards before we fell.

 

 

Thank You Mom!

It’s pretty common knowledge that this Sunday is Mother’s Day.  Therefore I would be remiss if I didn’t write something this week about my mom and mothers.  Now this seemed like a simple task when I first thought of it, because I’ve known my mom my whole life, so how hard could this be?  Well it was way more difficult than you could imagine because that’s a life time of thankfulness, funny moments, and memories I would have to narrow down into a blog post.  Where would I even start?  Now don’t worry Dad, your day is coming too, so don’t feel slighted.  In order to address my writing dilemma, I decided to pen an open letter to moms while weaving in my own experiences with my mom throughout it. 

Dear Mom,

Let me start out by saying thank you for teaching me the alphabet and how to read and write so that I could write this letter to you.  You’d read me bedtime stories and sometimes I’d read along, or I’d put in a request for enough books and glasses of water to delay bedtime as much as possible.  You always knew what I was up to, but you were willing to add in a couple of stories anyway.  When I didn’t read along, there were only two bears in the Goldilocks story because you were tired, but I made sure to read next time so that there were all three.  Thanks for letting me keep you up to practice my reading when you had already had a full day at work.  Look it’s paying off because now you’re in my blog!

I’d also like to say thank you for the life lessons that skinned knees do heal.  I never really got it at the time, but when I fell off my bike into that thorn bush while trying to hang with the older kids in the neighborhood, you meticulously picked out the thorns that were stuck and said it’ll be ok, you’ll heal.  You were always there to pick me back up, clean and bandage my skinned knees, take the grass stains out of my soccer jerseys, wash the mud off my hands after I picked the flowers you told me not to pick, and said it’ll be ok.  Through all of this I learned, that sometimes stuff happens, but tomorrow is coming and everything will be ok.   

Thanks for having patience with me, even when I couldn’t follow directions the first time, and things would go awry.  You would give me the look that said I told you so, and explain why you told me so, but you were always there to make sure I was alright.  Your support was always unwavering and helped me to learn from the hard knocks in life, even if I was too hard headed to listen the first time.

Thanks for being my biggest cheerleader too.  You would wear those big pinned on buttons to my basketball and soccer games with my picture on them, and dress in the school colors.  You wore those pins with such pride even though my gangly, adolescent, awkward looking self was on them and I always felt like an MVP when you did.  I used to be embarrassed and ask you to stop when you’d brag to your friends that I scored a goal, but deep down I actually really enjoyed it because I was proud too.  Even my friends enjoyed hearing you clear across the gym or the field losing your voice yelling “Go Ed Go!”

That’s what you were always good at though, making me feel special even if I didn’t believe it about myself at the time.  There were days when my test in school didn’t go the way I planned, or when I lost that game on a free throw in 7^th grade, and you still said, “I think you’re great, and you’ll get it next time.”  It rebuilt my confidence and I knew I could face the world again, stronger and tougher than I was before.

The reality is Mom, I could keep writing paragraph after paragraph saying thank you and reminiscing about the things we’ve been through, and the fun that we’ve had.  I know Dad was there too, but today’s your day so I’m talking to you, he can wait until June.  We may not have always seen eye to eye on everything, and I know it would break your heart to say no to that toy, or the ice cream cone, or whatever else as I got older.  The one thing I could always count on was that you were always there for me, with my best interest at heart, and I’m grateful for that.

You’ve sacrificed a lot throughout the years to make sure that I had a happy childhood, a good education and a good life.  There really isn’t any amount of money that can repay you for what you’ve done for me, but I’m forever indebted for the things you’ve done because you always found a way to make the impossible happen.  Thanks Mom!

Love,
 Your son

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my friends who are moms and most importantly for me,

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom.

(yes, this is a pic of  my mom and I on my first birthday)

It's Bigger than Donald Sterling

I’m sure that if you didn’t know who the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers is, you do now.  Donald Sterling has garnered a colossal amount of media attention for his recorded comments about black people attending his games and being seen with his mistress in photos.  At the risk of story fatigue by writing about it, what you won’t read in this post is a rant berating him because my blog is not a bully pulpit of righteousness.  Did I find his words insensitive, offensive, and discriminatory in a racial nature?  Of course.  But I ask you to think deeper about this beyond just the incident itself.

You see here we are again.  Yes, again.  A high profile person has a discriminatory rant of a racial nature.  A simple Google search of “racist celebrity comments” reads like a celebrity party list.  I say this not to mitigate the serious nature of the comments, because it truly is a serious matter and highly offensive.  Do not misinterpret my message.   However, this is unfortunately not the first or the last time we will see or hear of something like this happening.  That doesn’t condone the behavior but it is a very serious reminder that although we as a nation have come a long way, we collectively have a very long way to go when it comes to race relations, and the mindset that some people have towards people of different races.

Now I’m not talking about how more people need to be more politically correct.  Political correctness has transformed into people learning how to sugar coat what they really think in some sort of guised verbiage.  Typically behind closed doors that political correctness flies out the window and true colors are revealed.  Instead, I’m talking about how people’s mentality and hostile attitude towards those who are ethnically and culturally different from them in a derogatory, and discriminatory manner needs to change.

Sometimes as Americans we have a historical amnesia, or intentionally selective memory about our nation’s history.  Sure the recordings and pictures are in black and white, but the civil rights movement (in its most commonly recognized form) was during the generation of my parents.  Therefore we are not as far removed from discriminatory words, acts, institutionalized practices or deeply held beliefs as we would like to think.  In fact it’s not that difficult to find some that still exist today, just in a less overt form.

The fact that you don’t see water fountains, bathrooms, or lunch counters that say “White’s Only” and “Colored People Only” does not mean that we’ve arrived to some sort of utopian post-racial safe haven.  It feels like we’ve progressed a lot, and admittedly there have been major strides made.  However, for every one high profile person that gets an infamous spotlight placed on them for their behavior or comments, there are hundreds of others in our own backyard communities who have said something of a similar severity, or worse.  Remember the backlash of tweets and Facebook posts from everyday Americans when the Miss America winner was of an Indian-American heritage?  Or the Cheerios ad that had an interracial couple, and a bi-racial child?  What about the comments about our Nation’s President interrupting a football game with an important press conference?  The list of events where non-celebrities have lashed out racially is longer than this post, especially with the veil of social media that many folks coward behind.

I do believe Donald Sterling has received the appropriate sanctions from the NBA.  It goes to show that while we do have the freedom of speech in this nation, that speech has consequences attached to it.  Like all decisions in life, there are implications that follow what we do or say.  Having said this, the Donald Sterling fiasco is just a microcosm of a larger picture.  As I watch people who are outraged about this event post about it on social media outlets, and I hear people discuss it I see a lot of outrage and anger.  But if we are truly outraged and angry about it, let’s not let this just slip into just another high profile offensive incident. 

We should harness that energy of anger about Donald Sterling's comments and make an effort to constantly educate ourselves and others about the effects of racism, and call people out when they make derogatory comments.  We should also take this beyond just race, and look at the effects of all ‘–isms’ against marginalized groups and learn about how this affects the everyday lives of the people in our communities and do something about it.  We should not be a bystander, and take an active role to engage in conversations with those in our own communities to talk about and try to change discriminatory practices, and derogatory comments. 

I’ve trained numerous staffs on issues of diversity, as well as handled incidents of derogatory slurs scrawled on items and said on university campuses.  While engaging in dialogues for those various training sessions or instances of bias and harassment, the greatest lesson I’ve learned is that our work in developing ourselves and engaging others on the topics of diversity is never fully complete.  Even if you are a nationally recognized trainer, there is always more work that can be done, and more education that can be acquired on those topics.

So once the sensationalism of this quiets down, and we move on with our lives, let’s use this incident as a catalyst for change and not let it slip away into our consciousness as just another incident.  Let something good come of this awful incident in our own communities.

The Little Things in Life

I’m going to give you some very simple instructions in this next paragraph as part of an exercise, and I’d like you to follow them before you keep reading.  But then don’t forget about coming back to read the rest of the post. 

Ready?  Take a really deep breath and let it out.  I want you to take a look around you and take in your environment.  Look at the colors around you and truly notice their hues and shades, look at the objects around you.  Maybe some of them bring back a certain memory.  If they do, let that memory enter your mind, but don’t let it consume you, then let it out and keep scanning the room.  Even if you’re very familiar with your surroundings, try to find something you might not have noticed before, the way the light hits something, or maybe something is out of place.  Is there anyone else around you?  What are they doing, what are they wearing? Are you with someone familiar?  If so, look at them and appreciate their presence with you.  Maybe even briefly interact with them, but come back to finish reading.  What about the sounds you hear?  Take those in as well, maybe it’s a car driving by, or a television in the background, or the whir of a fan or air conditioner, but listen carefully.

Congrats! You made it.  I just asked you to participate in an act of being more mindful of your surroundings.  See each and every day we are caught up in following our routines, and not taking the time to appreciate the little things in life, and the little moments that make life so special.  Simple human interactions such as eye contact, touch, or looking at someone smile at you are being lost because we are caught up in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives.  These small things are enriching to our life experience, and can lead to more happiness, but we are overlooking them.  With that exercise above, I asked you to fully engage your senses for just a moment in a way that many of us, myself included, regularly don’t.  With busy schedules and a fast paced life, we are blowing by moments that we could appreciate more if we just took the time to take in our environment.

Take for example the last time you went to a concert.  There were so many people with their phones in the air either recording a video of the performance, or taking multiple pictures.  Then for the rest of the song (which many of them will tell you is their favorite), it’s off to send it in a text, Tweet about it, post it to Facebook, send a Snapchat, post to Instagram and any other social media platform.  When the song is over they would be happy to tell you “That was awesome!”  The question is, did they really get to enjoy it as much as they could have?  I’ve been just as guilty of this many times, but I’m learning more and more to be more mindful by being more present and I’d invite you to join me in doing so.

I still love my social media, and electronic devices, don’t get me wrong, but as I make more of an effort to be more present in each situation and balance my usage, I’m learning to appreciate the little things in life more and more.  These moments are becoming more of a holistic and fulfilling experience as I increase my mindfulness and presence in each situation.

Our lives are so fast paced with the electronic devises we surround ourselves with that we are losing a vital part of relationships which is the human element of interaction.  While many of these modes of communication can enhance interactions with a wider audience, all too often we are losing sight of the actual experience, and the interactions of the people we are with.  Instead we are substituting that moment with being a bystander reporting those experiences instead of enjoying them for ourselves. 

As I leave you this week, let us all take a reminder from the note in the picture below and see how it changes our lives.

Learning from Lacey's Legacy

The morning of April 9, 2014 many people awoke to the news that Lacey Holsworth, an 8 year old little girl in Michigan had died of cancer around 1:00am that morning.  People who have never met Lacey were saddened by her passing and felt that they themselves had lost a loved one.  While it is always sad when someone dies, especially a child, many felt connected to her touching story because it unfolded very publicly after an encounter in 2012 at Sparrow Hospital with Michigan State basketball star Adreian Payne.  The two formed an immediate bond which strengthened and grew over time.  As many learned of her battle with cancer, there was an outpouring of love and support showed to her and her family from total strangers.  You didn’t have to be a Spartan fan, to be a fan of Lacey cheering her on through her battle with Neuroblastoma.  Princess Lacey (a nickname she affectionately took on) was such a young spirit, but there are so many great lessons that we can learn from her. 

All too often, we get caught up in the hype and bravado that we have to be a well-known, wealthy or highly influential person to make a difference or be important.  Lacey taught us that significance comes in all sizes and ages.  As an 8 year old little girl she lived her life with courage, and had a tremendous positive influence on others.  A pebble can be dropped in a pond and even though it’s not the biggest rock there will be a ripple effect created.  This can positively influence the lives of others, so it’s not always necessary to be the biggest, loudest voice in the room, just the most genuine. 

When Lacey was sitting in Sparrow Hospital in 2012 recovering from surgery, she had no specific laid out plans to cut down a net at the Big Ten Championship game, watch Adreian Payne in the dunk contest in Dallas, TX, or go on the Today Show and Good Morning America.  Would it be cool?  Of course.  But Lacey was living her life, determined to smile through her discomfort and the life altering difficulties that cancer presented.  That determination lead to her building a bond with Adreian Payne, which lead to inspiring a whole basketball team, and eventually others across the nation.  Lacey was creating her own ripple effect by being herself.

Lacey’s determination and courage to keep smiling and make the most out of her days is something else that we all can learn from.  It’s easy to get caught up in the complaints of our daily lives because something isn’t going right, or it’s not going the way we planned it.  This isn’t to mitigate the serious nature of what’s happening, but it’s too easy for that negativity to consume us and dictate how we interact with those we love and others.  I’ve been guilty of it on certain occasions myself, so you won’t find any finger pointing here.  But what if we shifted our perspective a bit and took the time to be thankful for what we have in our lives?  What if we approached each day being thankful for being able to see the sun rise, thankful for having people in our lives who love us, and looking for the silver lining of different moments? 

Lacey was grateful for each day she had, because she never knew what day would be her last.  She always had a smile on her face whenever the camera would show her in the stands at a game, or when strangers would ask for pictures with her, even though she had so much going on in her life.  If we approached life with a little more gratefulness would our interactions with others change, would we enjoy the little moments a bit more, and not take so much for granted?

The legacy that Lacey has left behind will be impossible to measure.  She touched the lives of so many people and will continue to remain in the hearts of many.  A vigil at MSU in her memory brought out droves of people in and outside of the community many of whom signed a famous landmark rock on Michigan State University’s campus.  The rock usually gets repainted with something new every 24 hours, from student group names, to events, to proposals, etc., but that same message in her memory (pictured below) has been there since April 9^th with more and more people making the journey to sign it with prayers, words of encouragement for the family, and messages of love.  Her story has inspired ESPN sports analyst Dick Vitale a long-time advocate for cancer research to set up a research fund in her name (click here). 

Lacey was just a child, but the way she lived embodied the words of a former famous basketball coach Jim Valvano who died of cancer as well, “Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever.”

While you or I may not have cancer, if we live like Lacey with courage genuineness and determination, and love like Lacey (like it says at the bottom of the rock), while staying true to ourselves, we can leave our lasting impression on the world, and fully enjoy each and every day.

The Tip of the Iceberg

Some might describe me as having an affinity for watching documentaries.  That’s an understatement, but I’ll run with the subtlety and say that recently I was watching one about the great icy north.  While dazzled by the imagery on the screen, an iceberg was shown and I was reminded of a training I have done for my staff on how to work with others.  In the training session I compare the people we meet and interact with, to icebergs.

When we all look at icebergs we are typically seeing it from a perspective on land, looking at a majestic ice formation reaching into the sky.  With its many peaks, and points it can often be awe inspiring how it floats along in the water.  However if we were to look below the surface in the chilly water that it floats in, we would see something much more grand below the surface, dwarfing the size what we saw floating above it.  Therefore the entirety of the iceberg was more than what we initially saw when we were just looking at it on land.

As we think about the people in our lives, whether it’s a friend, a coworker, a family member or a significant other, what we see on the surface is typically just a small manifestation of who they really are deep down inside.  I’ve been reminded of this fact very recently while I go through my own life journey, and as I listen to some of the experiences that my friends are going through right now.

We can look at those that are wealthy, poor, happy and sad, and sometimes never truly know much more than just what we see on that surface.  Yet there is so much below what we see of someone’s persona, or the tip of the iceberg.  So much of what is below the surface is created from hard work, joy and pain, successes and failures, as well as instances of triumph and defeat.  Our experiences with others, the jobs we’ve had, and the roles we’ve played in family, friendships, relationships and the work environment are just some of the things that contribute to the entire make up of who we are, or in this case, the entire iceberg.  As I said these are just some of the things, but it can be comprised of so much more not listed, and we are all a summation of our experiences.

We all go through life making the best out of our situations, learning from the events in our life, but there is so much more to our personalities than the initial interactions we have with people.  That’s where treating people with empathy and patience can go a long way for sustaining friendships and relationships.  It’s being sensitive to that part of the iceberg we may not necessarily get a chance to see.

We don’t always know the journey that someone has taken to get to a certain point in their life, therefore we are not always aware of the rest of their iceberg that’s below the surface.  The smoothest iceberg we see, can have some of the roughest and most jagged edges below the surface and vice versa.  But if we take the time to holistically approach someone and genuinely show interest in them as a person we can ultimately be a better supervisor, co-worker, friend, romantic partner, and family member.  

A strong component of being able to do this is working on having a high level of empathy.  There has to be a certain level of compassion and willingness from within ourselves to want to learn about someone in order to have the ability to be empathetic.  The cliché “put yourself in their shoes” might come to mind, but this goes beyond just putting ourselves in their shoes.  It also requires wearing their hat, their coat, and their gloves to take the analogy further.  By this I mean don’t just look at it from our perspective trying to understand theirs, actively listen to what that person is sharing about their experience and try to learn and understand as much as possible about what they are feeling and experiencing.

Having this level of understanding is great, and it’s kind to be empathetic, but taking it a step further to treat someone from an empathetic standpoint is treating them as a whole person and not just what we see on the surface.  Understanding why they make their decisions, and how our decisions can affect them is something that can create a deeper more meaningful relationship and is truly a holistic approach to our interactions with others.

When we see and interact with someone quite often it’s just the tip of the iceberg that we’re getting.  So let’s change that and make an effort to see the entire person, or the entire iceberg.

Simple Physics in Life

If you’ve ever taken a physics class in high school or college, you might agree or disagree with the title of this blog.  However, you’ve more than likely been introduced to Newton’s First Law of Motion, commonly referred to as The Law of Inertia.  In its most basic form, it states an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force, and an object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force.  (I figured I’d save you the pain of reading about constant velocity by not quoting the actual law, or dredging up any more bad memories of physics classes that you might have.)  The point is that even though were are more complex than the simple objects that Sir Isaac Newton’s Law was created for, our lives mimic this law. 

Have you ever just had a really bad day where nothing seems to be going right, and it seems never ending?  Then all of a sudden something good happens, it makes you smile, and then it seems as if more and more good things seem to happen to bring you out of your dark state.  This is exactly how our lives can play out according to this law of physics.  That outside force of positivity acting on you, changed your emotional direction into a positive one when it seemed as if you were headed down a negative road.  The same thing happens when we are in a really great mood and something bad happens or it “acts” upon us and brings us down.

This is where we as humans are more special than a regular old object that sits in our surroundings.  We can be responsible for creating forces that bring us out of our own difficult situations.  While the same is true that we can also be responsible for creating forces that send us into bad situations when we’re already headed into a happy direction.

In addition to this, we are also responsible for being either a positive influential force on the lives of others or a negative one through the way that we treat other people, and the decisions we make.  Take for example a supervisor that is always berating employees, or not valuing their work ethic, and the effort they put forward.  The supervisor is limited in their view of the employee and sees the product produced, but they never appreciate the sweat equity that goes into the end result or recognizes it with appreciation.  This type of supervisor is someone who, while great at achieving the bottom line, might be creating a negative force bringing stress upon their employees and creating an unhappy, unhealthy work place.  I’m sure we all can think of different people in our lives in various situations who are negative forces, and those who are positive ones based on their actions and the things that they do.

As stated however, as humans we are more complex than objects so we do not only have to rely on extrinsic forces influencing our daily lives, we can create intrinsic ones for ourselves, as well as consciously be responsible for forces that affect those around us.  If you have found yourself volunteering your time to support others, or you have been someone that listens to that close friend who needs you at a difficult time, these are examples of creating positive forces to influence the lives of others.  If you’ve ever put in the effort to achieve one of your goals that seemed unattainable, or you’ve overcome a difficulty through perseverance and determination these are examples of creating intrinsic forces that are acting upon you to move you in a positive direction.  Even the power of positive thinking can be a force that affects how we move through our daily lives, and affects the decisions we make for ourselves.

There is acknowledgment that there are some extrinsic forces that we can’t control such as weather, government decisions, personal health issues, etc.   However we have the ability once acted upon by those forces to create our own intrinsic ones to take action to keep us moving in a positive direction no matter how bleak the future might seem, or insurmountable the obstacle that we face.  Also extremely important is having the awareness of the influence that we are having on those around us and the types of forces that we are creating on their lives.  Ultimately through positive thinking, awareness of our actions and of our decision making, we can create more positive forces and in fact move ourselves and others in a more positive direction.

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Last week in my post ‘Live Without Regret’ I delved into the idea that a regret many of us share in common is that at some point, for some reason we deviated and compromised our true self due to our own pride and desire to save face.  This week I’m following up to that post, to talk about what to do after that regret has already happened. 

It’s very easy to get caught up in what could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been if circumstances that happened were different.  You’ll hear it referred to more frequently in its slang version as ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’.  It can also reference what we could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve done if we had the chance to do something over again.  The truth is that these Three Muskateers can hack and slash through a positive future faster than the swashbuckling originals Arthos, Porthos and Aramis if we obsess about the past. 

Instead it is important that we focus on what can be, shall be and will be in the future.  None of us would dare to drive a vehicle by looking in the review mirror to drive forward, we all drive by looking through the windshield.  Therefore, it’s important to keep our focus forward and to think about the future.

In thinking about the future, it’s important to think about how to prepare ourselves for that future.  It’s natural to think back about would could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve been, so initially there is nothing wrong with occasionally looking back to take lessons from the mistakes we have made.  Reflection is a key asset to not repeat the same mistakes and fix our flaws.  It becomes dangerous however when we dwell on it for too long, and that’s where it can threaten the future.  It’s also important to love ourselves through this process and not beat ourselves up for the mistakes we’ve made.  Mistakes will happen because we’re human.  Yet as we make these mistakes, we need to learn from them and they will make us stronger people.   

There are some missed opportunities from the past that we can hope come back around to fruition in the future, but hoping is only one very small step.  More importantly we need to make sure that we are taking action by working on developing ourselves so that if that second chance opportunity presents itself again, we are not the same person we were before repeating the same mistakes.  We need to be prepared as a new and improved person ready to embrace that opportunity when it presents itself.  It might be a brand new opportunity or as I said a second chance at a previous one, but the last thing any of us wants is to get caught up thinking could’ve, should’ve, would’ve again.  So we need to be ready.

Take whatever feedback and lessons from the past and let’s make sure we’re ready and prepared for the future.  This process of reflecting on the past (briefly to learn), owning the present, and preparing for the future can apply to any life circumstance.  Part of the preparation for the future is being vulnerable and living without regret so that we can be the best person that we can be, real and genuine.  Then we have to be ready to seize that next opportunity, whether it’s a second chance, or a new one, and welcome it and propel forward into the future.  Celebrate the past, enjoy the good times, learn from the bad, but don’t dwell on it for too long because it can’t be changed.  Instead we can shape and make a better future for ourselves, and that’s why we need to focus on what can be, shall be, and will be.

Live Without Regret

 

Life experiences are the tiles in the mosaic that make up who we are as people.  We are all works of art in our own way, and have tiles that we are proud of, and some that make us not so proud.  The sum of the whole serves as a comprehensive picture of our past, and can help guide us through our future.  Therefore many people say that you should live without any regrets because you learn from the experiences that have brought you both joy and pain, and the decisions you’ve made that have led to positive and negative outcomes.  I loved this idea, and bought into it like an eager stock broker on a hot stock.  I believed it was the perfect answer to adopt for whenever someone asked me if I had any regrets.  I’d respond with an emphatic “No way!” followed by the prideful philosophic declaration of how my experiences have made me who I am. 

I felt so good about having that wonderful answer in my back pocket because I believed having a regret meant that you were somewhat ashamed of who you were, or that it was a rejection of a part of your personality.  But as I’ve matured I’ve begun to realize, it’s just looking at a situation and if you could do it over again you would do something differently.  It means that even through regret, you can still have taken away a valuable educational experience from that situation, and you can still feel apologetic for your words or for an action or lack of action.

With this new frame of reference I’ve come to believe that I share with many other people one specific regret in common.  The regrets are the times in my life and possibly in yours that we were not our true authentic self.  I’m not referencing lying, that’s not what that means.  I’m talking about the times where some specific thought was held in, words were not said, or there was a lack of vulnerability to someone you trust.  This can even extend to being too proud to give in, or to admit to being wrong when deep down you were cognizant of your erroneous stance on something.

I wrote about vulnerability before in my post ‘Be Vulnerable’ and it’s a subject matter that has really great odds of surfacing again because it is the root of where your authentic self lies.  You see we have this thing in our life and in our society where we need to save ‘face’.  Face saving is a sociological concept that I’ve studied through the lens of interpersonal communication during graduate school.  It’s where shame, and pride reside as we interact with others in society because we desire for others to perceive us in a positive way.  Therefore we will hide our vulnerability, to meet the expectations of others or even ourselves so that we are not perceived as too soft or so that our pride doesn’t take a hit, or to be strong for someone else.  But what about you, what about yourself.  Why hide something that is truly who you are, just to be liked and seen in good favor?

When you lose your vulnerability, you risk losing what matters to you the most, and pushing people away that you care about the most.  Is that really worth it?  Do you want to be separated from the things in your life that you cherish just so that you can save face?  This can happen in any situation and it’s something that you have to be cognizant of because if you’re not, you are putting yourself at risk of losing what’s important to you.

Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, and live with no regrets.  Brenè Brown a leading researcher in vulnerability says that vulnerability is our ability to be honest and to be seen.  So be seen, and be yourself!  Share with others how you feel, tell that special someone what’s happening in your life so that they can understand, or explain to those who care that you’re in a difficult place.  Forget about what the right words are, use all that you have to use even if you use too many.  You’re not an ad agency, so your message doesn’t have to be perfect and you’re not paying by the ad space or the letter.  Don’t hold back your true self so that you can save face.  The minute you hold back anything is the minute that you now will probably have a regret in your life, which is that you weren’t your authentic self.

Positive Music

This week here in Austin, Texas is a festival referred to as South by Southwest or SXSW for short.  It’s an amazing festival that has an interactive portion with technology, a film portion with movie and television show premieres, but my favorite portion is the music section of the festival and the musical artists that come to town for SXSW.  Because of this I’ve decided to do something a little different with this week’s blog in honor of the great music that’s here.

Music has always played a huge role in my life, even though I’m not the most musically talented with an instrument or through singing.  But if you know me you’ll know that I’m a positive person.  I tend to see the glass not half full or half empty,   I see it as all the way full because it has liquid and air in it either way.  I’ve been asked before on a few occasions how I stay so positive, and to be completely honest I’ve never had a really good answer for that.  The most accurate answer would be a blend of my life experiences and the people in my life have taught me that every cloud has a silver lining, not that every silver lining has a cloud.

I digressed there for a moment to bring up the point that I believe another really influential piece to explaining this puzzle of positivity for me is music.  I enjoy a very wide variety of music, and whether it’s in my car, in my apartment, or anywhere else, I am constantly listening to music.   There’s a song for almost every emotion, and I find that listening to great music can make any day a little brighter.

In that regard, and as I’ve stated in honor of the music portion of SXSW, I’d like to share just a few songs of positivity that you can enjoy.  These are just a few from a very long list and some artists have more than one song but I had to narrow it down so that this post didn’t end up being too long.  Since this is an abridged list of positive songs that I like, you might have some songs or artists that are not on here, but that you would like to add to the list, and I want you to please feel free to do so in the comment section.  It would be great to see some other songs or artists I might be unfamiliar with and I can expand my musical appreciation. 

This list in no particular order, but please click on the songs and it will link to a YouTube video of the song.

Pharrell Williams – Happy

Bob Marley – Three Little Birds

Michael Franti – The Sound of Sunshine

Michael Franti – I’m Alive

Michael Jackson – Working Day and Night

Stevie Wonder – Positivity

Stevie Wonder – Uptight (Everything’s Alright)

John Legend – If You’re Out There

John Legend – Wake Up!

Beatles – Here Comes the Sun

Machel Montano – Energy High

Machel Montano – Float