Be Refined, Not Defined

After being faced with disappointment, or a negative outcome have you ever just sat there thinking to yourself why me?  It may feel like a lonely spot at the time, but we have all been in that position before, so you’re definitively not alone.  This pivotal moment is where people are either made or broken.  The proverbial fork in the road where we decide to keep on trying or to let this moment be our demise.  People sometimes refer to it as a defining moment in their life.  I challenge that way of thinking and assert that one experience should not define an entire dynamic life because a person should not forever be defined by one experience.  Sure it might be a remarkable turning point, but instead it should be a refining moment.  The moment that helps create a better, stronger more successful person.

If you’ve ever watched a sculptor sculpt anything with a clay medium, you’re aware of what it takes to make a beautiful work of art.  It starts out as a rough art medium with no specific structure, looking like absolutely nothing at all.  Sometimes throughout the process the sculptor will add smaller globs of clay to the sculpture and mold and shape it incorporating it into the entire object.  Then over time, with sweat, effort, and refining movements using their hands and tools, it begins to take shape until the sculpture eventually emerges as a beautiful work of art.

This is how we need to attack those moments of misery, failed attempts, broken dreams and despair.  It starts out as something that is completely ugly and undesirable, much like a boring glob of clay.  It’s difficult to see what the end result will be and what can come from something so unattractive.

Just like sculpting a work of art we must take time, concentration and care to refine ourselves through these moments.  Each obstacle and challenge we face is like adding on another ball of clay to the sculpture that we must incorporate into our beautiful and successful self.  These adversities are added to our lives in the midst of our pursuit of our goals and dreams.  We must take them in stride and like the artist scrape away the unwanted bits that are not helpful to keep and let them go.  Then we mold and shape the lessons and experiences left from these moments using them to refine us into a better person. 

Therefore we can’t let our situations and these moments define who we are.  Sure these situations will influence our lives, but we cannot let them control our lives, we need to be in control of our lives. That is the difference between being defined and refined.  If we choose to be defined by our circumstances we are never controlling our destiny.  Instead we become bystanders in our own lives instead of active participants.  Who wants to be the audience of their own life?  We should be the director, producer and also play the lead role.  It’s our life!

We should constantly be looking for what we can learn from these experiences and how those lessons can make us into a better person.  Tomorrow is coming and we can’t dwell on the negative for too long.  It’s alright to feel the frustration and the pain for a little bit, that’s a natural part of the process.  An artist takes time to look at what they will sculpt from to decide on a plan of action to start working.  In a similar way, we too can take some time to create our own plan of action to sculpt our situation into a way to make us a more successful person.

With each refining moment, we are constantly improving, much like the sculptor improves their sculpture with each carving gesture to become increasingly accurate to their vision.  With each challenge we are faced with we are gaining preparation for something greater in our future and getting that much closer to becoming who we want to be.

This won’t be the first time we will meet a challenge, and it certainly won’t be the last.  But what we do with it will determine whether we are refined or defined.

Never Stay Down

Imagine that you’re walking on a city sidewalk on your way to run an errand.  You’re walking with a purposeful stride, the sun is out, life is good, and you’re on a mission to get things done.  As your head is on a swivel taking in your surroundings at eye level, there is chip in the sidewalk ahead of you.  It’s sitting there with impending misfortune for your next few steps and you’re completely unaware of the foreshadowing that is about to become reality.  The toe of your shoe catches the jagged sidewalk and you stumble and fall to the ground.  After gathering yourself, you stare back at the chip that led to your demise with severe disdain as you check your hands, elbows and knees.  With no physical damage done, your cheeks are a bit flushed with embarrassment.  Then without a second thought, you get up and continue on your way to reach your destination.  I take you through this scenario because we’ve all experienced something similar, and in each situation we always get up and continue on our way after we stumble or fall. 

Life is full of unexpected chipped sidewalks laying in our paths as we pursue our goals.  Sometimes it’s the loss of a job, failing a class, a break up/divorce, financial struggles or anything else that we don’t anticipate that makes us stumble and fall on our path through life.  But similar to the above scenario as if it was an actual chip in the sidewalk that we stumbled on, we need to get back up and continue on our way.

When life’s unforeseen obstacles make us fall, our pride might take a hit and quite often there is some pain that comes with it.  Sure it may hurt for a while or we might be lucky and it’s a short lived pain.  Ultimately however, it will not hurt forever, and we can heal from those heartaches and pains that make us feel like a failure, or that we aren’t good enough.  What matters most is that we don’t give up moving forward and just sit there stationary in our lives because of one misstep.  Imagine if you were still sitting in the spot where you last tripped and fell on the ground.  There’s no way that you would sit on that sidewalk for days, months or years without getting up.  So if you wouldn’t let that happen, then let’s not get stuck in the rut we’ve fallen in after getting knocked down in life.

Sure it seems easy for me to say to you from outside the box as I sit behind my laptop writing this, because I don’t know your story or what you’re going through.  But I do know that you’re a strong person and so am I, and we’ve all survived difficult times in our lives before.  Quite often it is very tough when we’re in a situation to see a way out of it, but we’ve survived hardships before, so we can do it again!  This isn’t the first and it certainly won’t be the last time we stumble and fall, so let’s get back up and keep on pursuing that dream, chasing that goal, and making a difference before we stumbled and fell.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through experience it’s that life doesn’t always go the way we’ve planned it.  It’s filled with those cracked sidewalks to make us trip, and fall, and it’s filled with plenty of detours as well.  The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but there’s always a detour when it comes to life and it certainly isn’t always linear. 

That’s when we need to dig deep within ourselves to find that intrinsic motivation and refocus on our goals.  Figure out what our true motivation was at the beginning of our journey before we fell.  This is the first step to help picking ourselves back up.  Sometimes there is some pain in getting back up, and we need others to help us out.  It feels dependent, when all we want is independence, but there’s nothing wrong with that.  That’s the time when we look to family and friends, people in our community, or our social/professional network that can help get us back on our feet after getting knocked down.  Other times we need to pay a little more attention to the details and maybe retry something with a little more effort but just slightly change it.  Then the next time that chip in the sidewalk gets closer, we can step right over it, and keep on walking.

It’s important to remember that no matter what, we should not stay down.  We need to take some time to make sure we’re ok and ready to get back up.  Then make it happen, and stand stronger than ever while moving forward with the purpose and determination headed in the direction of success that we were moving towards before we fell.

 

 

We are Under Construction

Recently, I’ve been able to sit on my patio as I write my posts.  Sometimes I will look up from my screen to pull together some thoughts on the topic before my fingers dance across the keyboard bringing those thoughts to fruition.  During this ritual of creating my recent posts I’ve watched a building being built in what used to be an empty lot across the street.   While seeing this building develop, and reflecting on my own journey in life, it struck me how we are all always under construction, and that we are constantly building on ourselves.

As any good realtor (commercial or residential) will tell you, one of the most important things about a property is location, location, location.  As we look at our lives and think about how we want to develop as a person, this comes down to our environment.  You can apply this to an actual physical location such as a city where you live, or in a figurative way such as being in a certain type of situation.  Either way, the environment that you are in can truly influence how you will build yourself up as a person.  If it is a negative space where you are bombarded with criticism, and judgment the opportunity for you to build confidence and strength will be more difficult.  Whereas an environment filled with encouragement and support will tend to allow you to flourish and truly develop as you would like to.

This brings me to your foundation.  Before any sort of frame is constructed for a building the foundation is made sound and secure.  Depending on the type of building being built and location, the foundation will be created in different ways to secure the structure appropriately.  When we are looking to develop ourselves it’s important that we are based on a firm foundation.  Now this will vary from person to person, but your core ideals such as morals, values and ethics are good examples of a foundation.  Being solid and firm in these three things can really help to guide you through different situations as they arise regardless of whatever stress comes along.  No two buildings are the same, so it’s important that you’re developing your own foundation and go with what works for you as an individual.

Once a building’s foundation is set and ready, the structural support is constructed.  These are the studs that frame the structure of the building.  It’s important to think about what you are using to build yourself up with.  Anything too weak, and at the first tempest you can easily come crashing down.  Instead, build yourself up with a strong material that can weather anything.  Sure most buildings might lose a few bricks and shingles in a storm, but most importantly the structure needs to be strong and stable.  Some suggestions are setting standards for yourself, deciding on what type of attitude you will engage others with, declaring that you will be a positive person and finding the silver lining in situations.  These are the things that will help you to withstand adversity as you’re presented with it.   The main question to ask is: “Are you developing yourself in a way that you can endure unexpected positive and negative life experiences?”

Once the structure is created, it is time to put on the walls which translates into the things you surround yourself with.  I’ve written about this more in depth in my post ‘Your Friends Are Your Future’.  But similar to location, this has a huge influence on you.  An aesthetic building is surrounded by walls that enhance the structure behind the walls.  In a comparable way, we must surround ourselves with people who will bring the best out of us and help us to show the beauty of our personality.  If we just put up any old wall covering the building does not reflect the original design.  Similarly if we surround ourselves with just anyone, we can be stifled and held back from developing into the person we desire to become.    

Once a building is almost finished, the next thing to do is to fill it with furniture and decorate, which will enhance the inside of it.  We too need to fill ourselves with things that will make us better people.  This can come in a variety of forms, and much like furniture some things will stay around forever, and some might be a short lived experience.  Challenging ourselves to try something new, getting an education on a topic, eating healthier, learning a new skill, reading a good book, or delving deeper into a religion are all ways to fill ourselves with things that will help us to improve and build a strong person.

As you develop and build yourself into the person you want to be, it is important that you have planned and can expect expansion.  This is significant because as I stated in the beginning of this post, we are always under construction.  Life changes, causing us to change, and to grow as people.  Expansion does not specifically refer to finding a partner and expanding your family, but that can be a part of it.  What I mean by expansion is being ready to change and add on to yourself as you gain experiences.  Many buildings have a wing added on in the future, or a room, and some will double in their square footage to meet a demand.  We must be willing to grow and improve on ourselves as our lives change.  A catalyst for change can be a new partner in our life, or it could be a new career, or moving to a new city where we will experience change.  The process of expansion is very similar to how we’ve developed from the foundation all the way through the same steps as we become better people.  It’s never easy to put up a building and it isn’t a fast process.  It takes a lot of time, a lot of people and lots of planning.  We are no different.  We build ourselves up over time, it takes many people supporting us in our lives, and we have to set goals in order to develop into the person we want to become.

 

The Importance of Mentors

This weekend I was having a conversation with some good friends about mentoring and its necessity in the life of college aged males.  We were talking about this demographic because we have intentionally served in the role of a mentor for such males through our work, or fallen into it by circumstances where we found ourselves in that role.  The conversation shifted into a more generalized population of mentoring youth (male and female) because we had all done that before too, but it left me thinking about mentorship.  Mentoring is significant not just in the simplistic way that we typically consider it with age differential and learning from your elders.  Mentoring is crucial to workplace success as well as in friendships and family. 

When I was in graduate school, my supervisor for my assistantship was a very influential workplace mentor.  We could laugh and joke about things, but ultimately she wasn’t afraid to hold me accountable, and have the meaningful and insightful conversations that would eventually help push me to become a better professional.  Sounds like what a supervisor should do, but we know many who don’t follow this formula.  It was the care and concern to teach, not just scold that made the difference.  Not only did she talk the talk with me as she gave me advice, but she walked the walk as I observed her interactions with other people she supervised.  After moving into another position within the organization, I was able to have another supervisor who served a very similar role.  He would constantly challenge and support me to bring the best out of my performance, but he also took the time to help me work on my personal development through my work. 

This type of workplace mentoring is very crucial to building healthy workplace culture.  It is typically referred to as mentor leadership because the leaders within the organization are grooming those that will eventually take the organization into new directions and help it grow.  It feeds into a workplace culture of unity and teamwork, while focusing on making individuals feel valued and respected.  Furthermore, it presents a more holistic approach to supervising individuals instead of just being a ‘boss’ to them.  My mentors always said that I should supervise and mentor supervisees in a way that they can eventually work their way up to be your future peer coworker.  I adopted that philosophy to my supervision, and little did they both know that I would eventually become just that to both of them.  Later on, some people that I supervised would become my peer coworkers as well.  With all of that happening, it truly taught me how important that advice was early in my career experience.

As I’m sure you’re aware, mentors don’t exist in just the workplace, mentors are very important in your personal life as well.  As we go through life we are faced with celebrations and tribulations.  We are faced with obstacles that sometimes seem insurmountable but we get through them.  Ultimately it is up to us to find the motivation to get through these times.  While this is true, there are people in your life who believe in you enough to take the time and effort to help you and support you along the way.  These people are extremely caring and should never be taken for granted.  Some of them will fall into the role of being a mentor to you because you’ll find that their experience, words of guidance, and efforts to help, are critical to your success.  They want to see you succeed just as much as you want to succeed and they’re willing to be there for you along the way.  These relationships should be cultivated and maintained because they are beneficial to your support network in life.  They may not always say what you want to hear, but it’s always something you need to hear.  Sometimes they will encourage you and challenge you to go beyond the limits you’ve set for yourself and in that process of motivation and support is where mentorship is found. 

Having said this it is also necessary to pay it forward.  The concept behind ‘pay it forward’ is that the positivity that you receive in any form, should be mirrored by you doing something kind and just for someone else.  Applying this phrase to mentorship as you progress and move through life it’s important to be there for someone else the same way that someone was there for you.  This is should happen because someone believed in you enough to help you in some way when you needed it.  Therefore you should be willing to help someone else that you believe in as well.

Our communities are constantly in need of mentors and there are people in your life who consider you a mentor whether you’re aware of it or not.  Never lose sight of how you got to your position in life and who was there believing in you when you were struggling, and celebrating you when you were doing well.  Life isn’t always just the roses, it’s the thorns too.  Those that have helped you through both are the people who are a great support network that you can depend on.  As you look at your sphere of influence, and consider the kindness that others have showed you, think about how you can take the time and effort to pay it forward.

 

What's your legacy?

As you know the passing of Nelson Mandela has been all over the news lately.  We have all heard and read in the recent few days about the impact and the leadership that he has shown the world throughout his life.  The frequent discussion about the legacy he has left through death, brought me to think about a challenge I pose to those I have supervised when they start working on my team.  Knowing that they will eventually move on to other jobs and endeavors, I would always ask them, “What do you want your legacy to be when you leave this position?”  Typically this exercise comes in the form of planning and professional development conversations with team members I supervise, but it can easily be placed into the context of every-day life.

It can be extremely overwhelming to look at a man like Nelson Mandela and try to live up to his legacy. Don’t get caught up in being like someone else, or trying to meet their standard.  It’s great to have a role model, but I encourage you to be your own person and utilize your strengths.  This does not mean you shouldn’t try to be great or challenge yourself to think outside of the box.  I’m simply saying do not try to one-up, or match someone else’s legacy, be yourself.

So where do you start?  Start with thinking about what realm of your life you want to start focusing on and you can move on from there.  We are all involved in different things in our lives ranging from church groups, to our jobs, to associations we belong to, or places where we volunteer our time, etc.  You can aim to leave a legacy in all of those aspects of your life and it doesn’t have to be through death.  You can leave a legacy behind through moving to a new place, or moving on to new opportunities.  It can however be difficult to think of all of them at once, so break it down by taking one at a time, and then start with your purpose.  Think about the purpose of why you are involved in that specific group or why you want to start a new endeavor (maybe it’s your own business or a non-profit).

From there, you can begin to think about the goals you’d like to accomplish, as well as your sphere of influence in order to accomplish those goals.  Begin to consider what goals you would like to be known for accomplishing, or maybe there is an initiative that you would like to start within that sphere of influence, or a major project that you want to be involved in.  As you begin to put your time, energy and focus into accomplishing what you’ve set out to do, you will begin to intentionally formulate a legacy. 

I have a close friend that used to say something to students that I have said to others, and carry with me as I encourage people to be the best that they can be.  In regards to making decisions she used to say, “Make sure that you can say yes to two questions.  Is this decision helping me to be who I am? Is this helping me to be who I want to become?”  When we make decisions each day, whether they are big or small, sometimes we will end up with legacies that happen unintentionally because we were simply being true to ourselves.  I do not want to create the misperception that all legacies can be created and controlled.  But if you start being more mindful of the things that you do and say, making sure that they are reflecting who you are, and who you want to become, the chances are that your legacy will eventually be exactly what you want it to be.

So what’s your legacy going to be?