Thank You Dad

With Sunday rapidly approaching, Father’s Day is getting closer and closer.  I vowed to write about my dad and give him his time in the spotlight after writing a post about my mom on the Tuesday leading up to Mother’s Day, so here we are.  I want to focus on him and talk a little bit about why he’s so special to me and hopefully some of what you read will remind you of your own dad or someone who played a father figure in your life.

Father’s Day is a special day for me because it always causes me to reflect on my dad and the impact he has had in my life, but it also causes me to think about the type of father I want to be when that time happens.  I don’t have any kids right now and I have to say that I really look forward to the day when I become a dad.  I’m not rushing into anything, but I eagerly anticipate that time with a certain fondness because of my own positive childhood experiences, and I aim to live up to my dad’s model of fatherhood to my child(ren).

Some of my earliest memories of my dad are quality time experiences of him teaching me to ride a bike, watching Saturday morning cartoons, and sledding together.  I also learned how to play soccer from him, and he was an assistant coach on a couple of my youth league teams.  Whether he was a coach on the team or not, on the way home we would talk about the games I played in and throughout the week I would pull him out into the backyard to practice kicking the ball around and to build my skills.  We would watch professional soccer games together on TV and also get excited about the World Cup (I’m sure we will have some lively conversations about World Cup Brazil 2014 which kicks off soon).  I remember when I showed an interest in basketball too.  My dad went out, bought a rim, and made a backboard with a painted Spartan ‘S’ on it for my favorite team, Michigan State.  He put the whole thing on our garage above the door making sure it measured the regulation 10 feet, and we would spend many evenings in the driveway shooting around and hanging out.

My dad is a bit of the strong silent type until you get him warmed up and chatting.  Then watch out, because it will be open season for jokes, and some friendly funny sarcastic jabs.  If he starts to talk about a topic on national or world affairs, I learned very quickly at an early age that I would be in for one heck of an educational lesson.  You see my dad has a PhD in Political Science so one question about something on the national news can easily turn into a 2 hour conversation about the history of why that event happened, at least 5 or 6 potential outcomes of what the result can be, and who knows what other useful information will get thrown in there.  Even watching a movie (fictional or not) based on a historical event can turn into an eye opening educational moment with my dad.  I always listened in amazement at how much he knew, never getting bored, and I remember thinking as a child that I needed to get my dad on Jeopardy one day.  But those are some of the best conversations that I’ve had with my dad, and what has fueled my own curiosity to collect a wealth of knowledge and seek out answers.  Sometimes he wouldn’t give me the easy answer when I had a question and would say go look it up instead.  I wasn’t the happiest when I heard that because during a very significant part of my childhood there was no such thing as Google, or even the internet.  So paper cuts from reading and flipping through the encyclopedia and reporting back what I found was how I got to some answers from questions I had and then we would talk about what I found. 

Some of the other best conversations I had were sitting with my dad getting my hair cut.  He cut my hair throughout my entire life until I moved to Austin about 3 years ago.  Besides playing soccer and basketball with him, my haircuts have been some of the best father son times we have had so far.  We would engage in all sorts of great conversations about current events, things happening in school, dating, and almost any other life circumstance you can imagine.  Those were truly some special times that we spent together bonding as I learned life lessons, how to be a mature adult, and laughing together.

I’ve probably written it in numerous Father’s Day cards to him, but if I could achieve even half the things as a father that my dad has done for me, I would consider myself a great dad.  I’m not even referring to the financial support side of things because my best memories were never rooted in a dollar amount that he spent on me, but quality time spent together as I grew up.  That’s one of the things that makes my dad so special to me, is the quality time we have spent together.

Whether it was going to my first Yankee game with him, watching Saturday morning cartoons together, learning about worldly events, playing sports together, laughing together or anything else, my dad has always been there for me.  I understand what a privilege that is, and I am absolutely grateful for having that relationship with him, so I do not take it for granted at all.  My goal is that when I become a father that I can be a great dad for my child(ren) the way he has been for me.  He’s my role model as a man and a father, a best friend, a fill in older brother (since I’m an only child), and one heck of a great listener.  Love you Dad.

This pic is from my family's 1st visit to old Yankee Stadium the year they closed it.

Definitely in my top 10 of father-son moments with my dad.

Thank You Mom!

It’s pretty common knowledge that this Sunday is Mother’s Day.  Therefore I would be remiss if I didn’t write something this week about my mom and mothers.  Now this seemed like a simple task when I first thought of it, because I’ve known my mom my whole life, so how hard could this be?  Well it was way more difficult than you could imagine because that’s a life time of thankfulness, funny moments, and memories I would have to narrow down into a blog post.  Where would I even start?  Now don’t worry Dad, your day is coming too, so don’t feel slighted.  In order to address my writing dilemma, I decided to pen an open letter to moms while weaving in my own experiences with my mom throughout it. 

Dear Mom,

Let me start out by saying thank you for teaching me the alphabet and how to read and write so that I could write this letter to you.  You’d read me bedtime stories and sometimes I’d read along, or I’d put in a request for enough books and glasses of water to delay bedtime as much as possible.  You always knew what I was up to, but you were willing to add in a couple of stories anyway.  When I didn’t read along, there were only two bears in the Goldilocks story because you were tired, but I made sure to read next time so that there were all three.  Thanks for letting me keep you up to practice my reading when you had already had a full day at work.  Look it’s paying off because now you’re in my blog!

I’d also like to say thank you for the life lessons that skinned knees do heal.  I never really got it at the time, but when I fell off my bike into that thorn bush while trying to hang with the older kids in the neighborhood, you meticulously picked out the thorns that were stuck and said it’ll be ok, you’ll heal.  You were always there to pick me back up, clean and bandage my skinned knees, take the grass stains out of my soccer jerseys, wash the mud off my hands after I picked the flowers you told me not to pick, and said it’ll be ok.  Through all of this I learned, that sometimes stuff happens, but tomorrow is coming and everything will be ok.   

Thanks for having patience with me, even when I couldn’t follow directions the first time, and things would go awry.  You would give me the look that said I told you so, and explain why you told me so, but you were always there to make sure I was alright.  Your support was always unwavering and helped me to learn from the hard knocks in life, even if I was too hard headed to listen the first time.

Thanks for being my biggest cheerleader too.  You would wear those big pinned on buttons to my basketball and soccer games with my picture on them, and dress in the school colors.  You wore those pins with such pride even though my gangly, adolescent, awkward looking self was on them and I always felt like an MVP when you did.  I used to be embarrassed and ask you to stop when you’d brag to your friends that I scored a goal, but deep down I actually really enjoyed it because I was proud too.  Even my friends enjoyed hearing you clear across the gym or the field losing your voice yelling “Go Ed Go!”

That’s what you were always good at though, making me feel special even if I didn’t believe it about myself at the time.  There were days when my test in school didn’t go the way I planned, or when I lost that game on a free throw in 7^th grade, and you still said, “I think you’re great, and you’ll get it next time.”  It rebuilt my confidence and I knew I could face the world again, stronger and tougher than I was before.

The reality is Mom, I could keep writing paragraph after paragraph saying thank you and reminiscing about the things we’ve been through, and the fun that we’ve had.  I know Dad was there too, but today’s your day so I’m talking to you, he can wait until June.  We may not have always seen eye to eye on everything, and I know it would break your heart to say no to that toy, or the ice cream cone, or whatever else as I got older.  The one thing I could always count on was that you were always there for me, with my best interest at heart, and I’m grateful for that.

You’ve sacrificed a lot throughout the years to make sure that I had a happy childhood, a good education and a good life.  There really isn’t any amount of money that can repay you for what you’ve done for me, but I’m forever indebted for the things you’ve done because you always found a way to make the impossible happen.  Thanks Mom!

Love,
 Your son

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my friends who are moms and most importantly for me,

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom.

(yes, this is a pic of  my mom and I on my first birthday)

Learning from Lacey's Legacy

The morning of April 9, 2014 many people awoke to the news that Lacey Holsworth, an 8 year old little girl in Michigan had died of cancer around 1:00am that morning.  People who have never met Lacey were saddened by her passing and felt that they themselves had lost a loved one.  While it is always sad when someone dies, especially a child, many felt connected to her touching story because it unfolded very publicly after an encounter in 2012 at Sparrow Hospital with Michigan State basketball star Adreian Payne.  The two formed an immediate bond which strengthened and grew over time.  As many learned of her battle with cancer, there was an outpouring of love and support showed to her and her family from total strangers.  You didn’t have to be a Spartan fan, to be a fan of Lacey cheering her on through her battle with Neuroblastoma.  Princess Lacey (a nickname she affectionately took on) was such a young spirit, but there are so many great lessons that we can learn from her. 

All too often, we get caught up in the hype and bravado that we have to be a well-known, wealthy or highly influential person to make a difference or be important.  Lacey taught us that significance comes in all sizes and ages.  As an 8 year old little girl she lived her life with courage, and had a tremendous positive influence on others.  A pebble can be dropped in a pond and even though it’s not the biggest rock there will be a ripple effect created.  This can positively influence the lives of others, so it’s not always necessary to be the biggest, loudest voice in the room, just the most genuine. 

When Lacey was sitting in Sparrow Hospital in 2012 recovering from surgery, she had no specific laid out plans to cut down a net at the Big Ten Championship game, watch Adreian Payne in the dunk contest in Dallas, TX, or go on the Today Show and Good Morning America.  Would it be cool?  Of course.  But Lacey was living her life, determined to smile through her discomfort and the life altering difficulties that cancer presented.  That determination lead to her building a bond with Adreian Payne, which lead to inspiring a whole basketball team, and eventually others across the nation.  Lacey was creating her own ripple effect by being herself.

Lacey’s determination and courage to keep smiling and make the most out of her days is something else that we all can learn from.  It’s easy to get caught up in the complaints of our daily lives because something isn’t going right, or it’s not going the way we planned it.  This isn’t to mitigate the serious nature of what’s happening, but it’s too easy for that negativity to consume us and dictate how we interact with those we love and others.  I’ve been guilty of it on certain occasions myself, so you won’t find any finger pointing here.  But what if we shifted our perspective a bit and took the time to be thankful for what we have in our lives?  What if we approached each day being thankful for being able to see the sun rise, thankful for having people in our lives who love us, and looking for the silver lining of different moments? 

Lacey was grateful for each day she had, because she never knew what day would be her last.  She always had a smile on her face whenever the camera would show her in the stands at a game, or when strangers would ask for pictures with her, even though she had so much going on in her life.  If we approached life with a little more gratefulness would our interactions with others change, would we enjoy the little moments a bit more, and not take so much for granted?

The legacy that Lacey has left behind will be impossible to measure.  She touched the lives of so many people and will continue to remain in the hearts of many.  A vigil at MSU in her memory brought out droves of people in and outside of the community many of whom signed a famous landmark rock on Michigan State University’s campus.  The rock usually gets repainted with something new every 24 hours, from student group names, to events, to proposals, etc., but that same message in her memory (pictured below) has been there since April 9^th with more and more people making the journey to sign it with prayers, words of encouragement for the family, and messages of love.  Her story has inspired ESPN sports analyst Dick Vitale a long-time advocate for cancer research to set up a research fund in her name (click here). 

Lacey was just a child, but the way she lived embodied the words of a former famous basketball coach Jim Valvano who died of cancer as well, “Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever.”

While you or I may not have cancer, if we live like Lacey with courage genuineness and determination, and love like Lacey (like it says at the bottom of the rock), while staying true to ourselves, we can leave our lasting impression on the world, and fully enjoy each and every day.

The Tip of the Iceberg

Some might describe me as having an affinity for watching documentaries.  That’s an understatement, but I’ll run with the subtlety and say that recently I was watching one about the great icy north.  While dazzled by the imagery on the screen, an iceberg was shown and I was reminded of a training I have done for my staff on how to work with others.  In the training session I compare the people we meet and interact with, to icebergs.

When we all look at icebergs we are typically seeing it from a perspective on land, looking at a majestic ice formation reaching into the sky.  With its many peaks, and points it can often be awe inspiring how it floats along in the water.  However if we were to look below the surface in the chilly water that it floats in, we would see something much more grand below the surface, dwarfing the size what we saw floating above it.  Therefore the entirety of the iceberg was more than what we initially saw when we were just looking at it on land.

As we think about the people in our lives, whether it’s a friend, a coworker, a family member or a significant other, what we see on the surface is typically just a small manifestation of who they really are deep down inside.  I’ve been reminded of this fact very recently while I go through my own life journey, and as I listen to some of the experiences that my friends are going through right now.

We can look at those that are wealthy, poor, happy and sad, and sometimes never truly know much more than just what we see on that surface.  Yet there is so much below what we see of someone’s persona, or the tip of the iceberg.  So much of what is below the surface is created from hard work, joy and pain, successes and failures, as well as instances of triumph and defeat.  Our experiences with others, the jobs we’ve had, and the roles we’ve played in family, friendships, relationships and the work environment are just some of the things that contribute to the entire make up of who we are, or in this case, the entire iceberg.  As I said these are just some of the things, but it can be comprised of so much more not listed, and we are all a summation of our experiences.

We all go through life making the best out of our situations, learning from the events in our life, but there is so much more to our personalities than the initial interactions we have with people.  That’s where treating people with empathy and patience can go a long way for sustaining friendships and relationships.  It’s being sensitive to that part of the iceberg we may not necessarily get a chance to see.

We don’t always know the journey that someone has taken to get to a certain point in their life, therefore we are not always aware of the rest of their iceberg that’s below the surface.  The smoothest iceberg we see, can have some of the roughest and most jagged edges below the surface and vice versa.  But if we take the time to holistically approach someone and genuinely show interest in them as a person we can ultimately be a better supervisor, co-worker, friend, romantic partner, and family member.  

A strong component of being able to do this is working on having a high level of empathy.  There has to be a certain level of compassion and willingness from within ourselves to want to learn about someone in order to have the ability to be empathetic.  The cliché “put yourself in their shoes” might come to mind, but this goes beyond just putting ourselves in their shoes.  It also requires wearing their hat, their coat, and their gloves to take the analogy further.  By this I mean don’t just look at it from our perspective trying to understand theirs, actively listen to what that person is sharing about their experience and try to learn and understand as much as possible about what they are feeling and experiencing.

Having this level of understanding is great, and it’s kind to be empathetic, but taking it a step further to treat someone from an empathetic standpoint is treating them as a whole person and not just what we see on the surface.  Understanding why they make their decisions, and how our decisions can affect them is something that can create a deeper more meaningful relationship and is truly a holistic approach to our interactions with others.

When we see and interact with someone quite often it’s just the tip of the iceberg that we’re getting.  So let’s change that and make an effort to see the entire person, or the entire iceberg.

Love Yourself

I know, I know, as if there wasn’t enough pink and red everywhere now this post is about love?  Gross! Well it’s not as limited to what you think, so hang around for a bit longer.  As a single-30-something-male who is a hopeless romantic, I understand that the love stuff at this time of year is overwhelming.  I’ve been inundated with marketing and images of Valentine’s Day just like you.  But that inevitable day sits at the end of this week with a smug grin on its face waiting for people to max out credit cards on flowers, dinner and jewelry.  For many of us, it’s enough bombardment that I’ve heard some people use a four letter expletive as an action verb towards the day.  If you’re in a relationship or newly dating, it might be different.  There’s a lot of pressure placed on you to make the day special with roses, chocolates, or going to a fictional store character named Jared to spend a hefty part of your pay check as a monetary confirmation of your love.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been guilty before of participating in the mass consumerism that has come with Valentine’s Day; but through relationships and dating (good and bad experiences) I have begun to see love differently.  Our society and media whips us into a frenzy of magical love whether it’s an episode of the ‘Bachelor’ or that woman who sings “Every kiss begins with Kay”.  It teaches us that to truly know love, is to have a significant other who sweeps us off our feet, as we melt in their arms the same way they melt into ours.  I disagree.  I’m not a cynic and it’s not that I think it’s impossible to find that kind of love, but love comes in so many different forms beyond just that of a relationship with a significant other.

The commercialized love leads many of us to forget that every day we feel love from our families, our friends and most importantly our self.  Yes.  Our self.  The most important person you can and will ever love is the person you see in the mirror every day.  This isn’t where I launch into a diatribe that sounds like a single person’s manifesto bringing solidarity among single folks, that’s not what this is about.  The reality is whether you are in a relationship or not, no one can validate you more than you can validate yourself.  You don’t need to and should never rely on someone else’s acceptance of you to make you feel good about yourself.

I’m aware that much of this comes down to self-confidence.  Your self-confidence can be assembled through a variety of different forms whether it’s an outward physical appearance, the way you dress, your personality type, the hobbies that you have, etc.   We are judged every day by these things, and unless you meet a socially constructed stereotypical deal in all of them, there is a great chance that your self-confidence might be a bit damaged.  Perhaps you’ve been shamed into thinking you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, feminine enough, masculine enough and the list goes on and on.  At the end of the day however it’s vital to your own happiness that you find validation from within, and block out the negativity ridiculing you, or making you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.  You need to love you, for being you.

Take the time to perfect the things about yourself that you enjoy and love, instead of trying to do the things you think someone else will like about you.  There is nothing wrong with a little self-improvement and wanting to make ourselves a better person, but do it for you.  We are in a constant state of change through maturing, and learning new things.  It works very similar to home improvement.  We find something we don’t like about ourselves and put in the time, work, and effort to make it better.  The caveat is not getting caught up in curb appeal.  Don’t change yourself to live up to someone else’s standard, change yourself to live up to your own standard.  Remember, the most important person you can ever love is yourself.  Without loving yourself, you can easily fall victim to losing yourself.  With such a loss, the talents, ideas, hopes and dreams that you have can be lost as well.    

Some of you might still be caught up in the romance of Valentine’s Day and the idea of searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right.  I see a wife in my future as well, and that magical everlasting romance is something I want for myself, but the reality is that that type of love is hard.  Even in romance you need to love yourself first.  If you can’t get through the challenge of loving yourself first, then you’re never truly ready or secure enough to meet the challenge of loving someone else and you will settle.  You will inevitably settle for someone who you shouldn’t be with.  You need to reach a high level of self-love so that when someone else loves you, you can recognize that it’s not just your bank account, a fleeting infatuation, or lust awakening their loins that makes them love you.  You can be secure in the fact that it’s genuine love for who you are as a person.  You need to know yourself to know the love that you expect and deserve.

You’re the only you.  So through all your uniqueness, you need to see how beautiful you are in all your multifaceted ways.  Love yourself first and foremost and then be willing to accept the love of those around you.

Thanks and Giving

With November arriving, many of us turn our thoughts to the cherished fall holiday, Thanksgiving.  Just the word itself can conjure up fond memories of a kitchen filled with mouth-watering aromas of turkey, stuffing, gravy, apple pie and a plethora of other wonderful food.  We typically enjoy our meal with family and/or friends gathered around, laughing and joking and watching football games or movies after we’ve finished eating. 

While you might be able to relate to everything I’ve already said here, it should come as no surprise that there are many who have never had, or can’t imagine a scene such as that during this Thanksgiving.  As I was driving around Austin this past week doing various errands, I was very pensive about this because of those I drove by and see every day on various street corners with signs asking for money, food or work.  My train of thought continued as I watched the news every night thinking about those that have been affected by recent heavy rains causing them to lose everything to flood waters, and how their Thanksgiving would be completely altered this year.

All too often we tend to remember the homeless, and the less fortunate around this time of year.  Our consideration lasts through approximately Christmas while we are intoxicated by a philanthropic mood that somehow permeates the air for two months.  We feel great about ourselves and how helpful we have been because we fill a few plates for the homeless Thanksgiving Day, and we gave a $10 bill to the Salvation Army bell ringer as we walked out of the store on Black Friday.  Then we hit January and turn our attention to whatever resolutions we’ve made to get in shape, or eat healthy, etc.  I’ve been guilty about this as well so I’m not chastising anyone by any means.  Instead I’d like to encourage a new perspective because the homeless and less fortunate are still a part of our society and their need does not go away just because the Thanksgiving and Christmas season is over.  More importantly we need to remember that they are our brothers and sisters in life.

So I’m suggesting a new spin on Thanksgiving to make it “Thanks and Giving”.  I would love to see Thanksgiving morph into something where we are not only reminded to give thanks for what we have in our lives, but we also make a commitment to give our time (not just money) year round to those who are in need.  The smallest things like going through your closet each season and giving to the Salvation Army what you don’t use, or choosing a day to meet with some friends and volunteer your time at the local food bank are some inexpensive and easy ways to start giving back.

We have a responsibility to the communities we live in, and it’s up to the person in the mirror to make a difference.  As this season is upon us, I encourage you to join me by figuring out ways to make a difference and help the less fortunate more consistently throughout the year and not just when Thanksgiving and Christmas comes around.