Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Last week in my post ‘Live Without Regret’ I delved into the idea that a regret many of us share in common is that at some point, for some reason we deviated and compromised our true self due to our own pride and desire to save face.  This week I’m following up to that post, to talk about what to do after that regret has already happened. 

It’s very easy to get caught up in what could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been if circumstances that happened were different.  You’ll hear it referred to more frequently in its slang version as ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’.  It can also reference what we could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve done if we had the chance to do something over again.  The truth is that these Three Muskateers can hack and slash through a positive future faster than the swashbuckling originals Arthos, Porthos and Aramis if we obsess about the past. 

Instead it is important that we focus on what can be, shall be and will be in the future.  None of us would dare to drive a vehicle by looking in the review mirror to drive forward, we all drive by looking through the windshield.  Therefore, it’s important to keep our focus forward and to think about the future.

In thinking about the future, it’s important to think about how to prepare ourselves for that future.  It’s natural to think back about would could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve been, so initially there is nothing wrong with occasionally looking back to take lessons from the mistakes we have made.  Reflection is a key asset to not repeat the same mistakes and fix our flaws.  It becomes dangerous however when we dwell on it for too long, and that’s where it can threaten the future.  It’s also important to love ourselves through this process and not beat ourselves up for the mistakes we’ve made.  Mistakes will happen because we’re human.  Yet as we make these mistakes, we need to learn from them and they will make us stronger people.   

There are some missed opportunities from the past that we can hope come back around to fruition in the future, but hoping is only one very small step.  More importantly we need to make sure that we are taking action by working on developing ourselves so that if that second chance opportunity presents itself again, we are not the same person we were before repeating the same mistakes.  We need to be prepared as a new and improved person ready to embrace that opportunity when it presents itself.  It might be a brand new opportunity or as I said a second chance at a previous one, but the last thing any of us wants is to get caught up thinking could’ve, should’ve, would’ve again.  So we need to be ready.

Take whatever feedback and lessons from the past and let’s make sure we’re ready and prepared for the future.  This process of reflecting on the past (briefly to learn), owning the present, and preparing for the future can apply to any life circumstance.  Part of the preparation for the future is being vulnerable and living without regret so that we can be the best person that we can be, real and genuine.  Then we have to be ready to seize that next opportunity, whether it’s a second chance, or a new one, and welcome it and propel forward into the future.  Celebrate the past, enjoy the good times, learn from the bad, but don’t dwell on it for too long because it can’t be changed.  Instead we can shape and make a better future for ourselves, and that’s why we need to focus on what can be, shall be, and will be.

What's your legacy?

As you know the passing of Nelson Mandela has been all over the news lately.  We have all heard and read in the recent few days about the impact and the leadership that he has shown the world throughout his life.  The frequent discussion about the legacy he has left through death, brought me to think about a challenge I pose to those I have supervised when they start working on my team.  Knowing that they will eventually move on to other jobs and endeavors, I would always ask them, “What do you want your legacy to be when you leave this position?”  Typically this exercise comes in the form of planning and professional development conversations with team members I supervise, but it can easily be placed into the context of every-day life.

It can be extremely overwhelming to look at a man like Nelson Mandela and try to live up to his legacy. Don’t get caught up in being like someone else, or trying to meet their standard.  It’s great to have a role model, but I encourage you to be your own person and utilize your strengths.  This does not mean you shouldn’t try to be great or challenge yourself to think outside of the box.  I’m simply saying do not try to one-up, or match someone else’s legacy, be yourself.

So where do you start?  Start with thinking about what realm of your life you want to start focusing on and you can move on from there.  We are all involved in different things in our lives ranging from church groups, to our jobs, to associations we belong to, or places where we volunteer our time, etc.  You can aim to leave a legacy in all of those aspects of your life and it doesn’t have to be through death.  You can leave a legacy behind through moving to a new place, or moving on to new opportunities.  It can however be difficult to think of all of them at once, so break it down by taking one at a time, and then start with your purpose.  Think about the purpose of why you are involved in that specific group or why you want to start a new endeavor (maybe it’s your own business or a non-profit).

From there, you can begin to think about the goals you’d like to accomplish, as well as your sphere of influence in order to accomplish those goals.  Begin to consider what goals you would like to be known for accomplishing, or maybe there is an initiative that you would like to start within that sphere of influence, or a major project that you want to be involved in.  As you begin to put your time, energy and focus into accomplishing what you’ve set out to do, you will begin to intentionally formulate a legacy. 

I have a close friend that used to say something to students that I have said to others, and carry with me as I encourage people to be the best that they can be.  In regards to making decisions she used to say, “Make sure that you can say yes to two questions.  Is this decision helping me to be who I am? Is this helping me to be who I want to become?”  When we make decisions each day, whether they are big or small, sometimes we will end up with legacies that happen unintentionally because we were simply being true to ourselves.  I do not want to create the misperception that all legacies can be created and controlled.  But if you start being more mindful of the things that you do and say, making sure that they are reflecting who you are, and who you want to become, the chances are that your legacy will eventually be exactly what you want it to be.

So what’s your legacy going to be?

Don't Quit

This past Thanksgiving Weekend was filled with some of the most exciting endings to college and NFL football games.  The most memorable was the end of the Auburn versus Alabama game, which has saturated almost every news and media outlet for the past few days.  I bring up this college football game not to exhaust an already fatigued sports news story, but because it serves as a classic example of why we should never give up, even if it seems like the game is over.

If you haven’t seen it, the Auburn win came on a last second, long range field goal attempt by Alabama, with both teams tied and braced for the possibility of going into overtime.  Auburn put one person in the end zone to catch the field goal if Alabama missed it short.  It was a heads up ‘let’s be prepared for any type of situation’ play calling mentality that gave them the win.  This attitude that the game isn’t over until the clock says zero is the mindset that we need to carry with us every day.  In life your game might be a job hunt, starting a business, or another circumstance you face where not continuing to try means the difference between quitting and success.

All too often many of us get caught up in convincing ourselves that our circumstances are too monumental to overcome and we give up.  We might have been trying so hard, for so long at something, that frustration has set in from a lack of the results that we expect.  Just when it seems like we are at the end of our journey some of us choose to quit.  Not quitting at that instant in time makes successful people successful.  Just when successful people start to think their ‘game’ is over or feel frustration start to set in, instead of quitting, they push a harder to keep on going until they reach their goal.

Before Auburn won they were down two touchdowns to the number one team in the nation but they didn’t give up and neither should you.  Auburn put someone in the end zone in preparation for something good that might happen to help them win.  They took a chance even though the odds were stacked against them, and that’s what we should do with every opportunity.  We need to be ready to go, ready to take a chance, ready to finish strong and play hard through every last second regardless of the odds we face.  Had Auburn not been ready for opportunity to come their way in the form of a short missed field goal, that game probably wouldn’t be in the history books for the way it ended, and Auburn might not be in the SEC championship game. 

You too have to be ready for opportunity to strike in whatever form it may come to you, just like Auburn was.  Don’t give up and say I’ll get it next time.  Had Auburn adopted that thought process, they could have lost in overtime.  Fight until the very last second, and be prepared to put in extra effort just when it seems like it’s all over, because an opportunity might come your way.  When opportunity knocks, you need to make sure you’re ready with a welcome mat ready to let it come into your life.

Over the years I’ve shared a poem titled “Don’t Quit” written by an anonymous author with those I have supervised.  I would share it with them as motivation to keep working hard no matter what.  It’s my favorite poem to read for inspiration, and the last stanza which I have pasted below summarizes what I’m getting at with this week’s blog.
(You can Google “Don’t Quit poem” for the full version)

"Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit."

Watering Your Own Grass

After you read the title for this you might be wondering if I’ve turned in my typing thumb for a green thumb after only one post.  Well, my parents are the better gardeners in the family, so I’ll leave that to them.  The title refers to a meme I saw while scrolling through Facebook inspired me to reexamine a cliché.  (a meme is where a phrase is typically superimposed on a picture).  It took the cliché “The grass is always greener on the other side.” and flipped it on its head.  It said “The grass is greener, where you water it.”

Now it doesn’t take a horticulturist to figure out something as obvious as a plant is greener due to more water.  But it made me think, what if we on a daily basis really applied this meme to our lives the way we typically fall into the trap of the cliché.  I know I’ve been guilty of the thought on quite a few occasions that: “the grass is greener on the other side”.  However as I reflect on the words within the meme, was I really noticing my own grass, and was I cultivating it to be as green as ‘the other side’?  In addition to that, was the grass I was seeing in the proverbial ‘over there’ truly as green as it initially seemed?

I reflected on the times I had wished I was someone else, or had someone else’s position in life.  Occasions that came to mind were watching my friends get married while I was single wishing it was me, driving past multi-million dollar homes wishing I was living there, or even as a young child I can sometimes remember thinking “I wish I had a sibling” (I’m still an only child…um...well adult. But you know what I mean).  I’m sure that at some point, you’ve had a similar line of thinking, or maybe you have it frequently, I’m not here to judge you.  I can tell you that even the most self-confident person has that little green monster of envy rearing its ugly head from time to time evoking the thought “Wow. I wish that was me.”  There is however a danger here when we begin to buy in to this line of thinking.  For some people this envy can lead to resentment toward their situation or worse, resentment toward special people in their lives.  Quite often in those other situations the grass isn’t really that much greener and there are a lot of unseen circumstances that might not be too great that has led to what we deem as ‘greener grasses’. 

I want to encourage you to take the time to water your own grass to make it greener like the meme says.  Take time to be thankful for the things in your own life that you’re truly thankful for.  If you don’t know where to start I will share some suggestions with you to help get you started at the end of this post.  Even if you believe your life situation isn’t the most ideal, I promise you, that you still have green grass to enjoy.  Sometimes that situation you’re looking at isn’t meant for you at that time in your life.  On other occasions you might be missing out on the benefits of your own situation and some really great memorable moments or opportunities because you’re too worried wishing you had someone else’s.

I will concede that there is a thin line here where some people would assert “But it’s just my goal to live in a house or drive a car, etc. like that. What’s wrong with that?”  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Having a goal is something completely different and that’s where watering your own grass comes into play.  Taking the time to assess your situation and what decisions you can make to better yourself or your situation to reach your goal is a substantial way of watering your grass.  Don’t just say I wish that was me.  Look at your situation and make a plan to reach your goals.  Sometimes it takes small goals which can lead to you accomplishing your larger goals.  Finding the things you are thankful for is another way of watering, and it may help you realize that your grass is greener than you originally thought.

I promised to share some suggestions as a sprinkler to help you get started on watering your own grass and you can find those simple tips below.  They might even inspire you to think of other ways.  I have faith in you.  You can make your grass greener, so go for it!!!

Tips for watering your own grass:

1.       Put a notepad next to your bed.  Before you go to sleep write down something good that happened to you during that day.  It can be as simple as I got my favorite parking spot.  After a while you’ll have a record of positive things that have happened to you that you can look at when you’re feeling not so positive.

2.       When you wake up in the morning say to yourself three times “Today is going to be a good day.”  Putting yourself in a positive mindset first thing in the morning will affect the decisions you make all day

3.       Think of an activity that makes you happy and feel good about yourself.  Make a plan to make that activity happen more than once, or on a regular basis.

4.       Think of someone you shared a great memory with that you haven’t talked to in a while and reach out to them to relive that memory.  Do this on multiple occasions with different people you know.  You’ll be able to reconnect with friends and share a good laugh.

5.       Figure out a way to laugh at least twice in a day.  Whether it’s watching a YouTube video, retelling a story, watching a funny movie, etc. There is plenty of scientific research that says laughing is good for your health.

6.       Make a list of 10 things you’re thankful for in your life.  If there are people on your list, take the time to tell them.

7.       If you find yourself saying “I wish that was me”, take the time to write down some concrete steps (big and small) that you can take to make that you.  Then follow through on those steps.  Soon your grass really will be greener. 

Happy Watering!