Thank You Mom!

It’s pretty common knowledge that this Sunday is Mother’s Day.  Therefore I would be remiss if I didn’t write something this week about my mom and mothers.  Now this seemed like a simple task when I first thought of it, because I’ve known my mom my whole life, so how hard could this be?  Well it was way more difficult than you could imagine because that’s a life time of thankfulness, funny moments, and memories I would have to narrow down into a blog post.  Where would I even start?  Now don’t worry Dad, your day is coming too, so don’t feel slighted.  In order to address my writing dilemma, I decided to pen an open letter to moms while weaving in my own experiences with my mom throughout it. 

Dear Mom,

Let me start out by saying thank you for teaching me the alphabet and how to read and write so that I could write this letter to you.  You’d read me bedtime stories and sometimes I’d read along, or I’d put in a request for enough books and glasses of water to delay bedtime as much as possible.  You always knew what I was up to, but you were willing to add in a couple of stories anyway.  When I didn’t read along, there were only two bears in the Goldilocks story because you were tired, but I made sure to read next time so that there were all three.  Thanks for letting me keep you up to practice my reading when you had already had a full day at work.  Look it’s paying off because now you’re in my blog!

I’d also like to say thank you for the life lessons that skinned knees do heal.  I never really got it at the time, but when I fell off my bike into that thorn bush while trying to hang with the older kids in the neighborhood, you meticulously picked out the thorns that were stuck and said it’ll be ok, you’ll heal.  You were always there to pick me back up, clean and bandage my skinned knees, take the grass stains out of my soccer jerseys, wash the mud off my hands after I picked the flowers you told me not to pick, and said it’ll be ok.  Through all of this I learned, that sometimes stuff happens, but tomorrow is coming and everything will be ok.   

Thanks for having patience with me, even when I couldn’t follow directions the first time, and things would go awry.  You would give me the look that said I told you so, and explain why you told me so, but you were always there to make sure I was alright.  Your support was always unwavering and helped me to learn from the hard knocks in life, even if I was too hard headed to listen the first time.

Thanks for being my biggest cheerleader too.  You would wear those big pinned on buttons to my basketball and soccer games with my picture on them, and dress in the school colors.  You wore those pins with such pride even though my gangly, adolescent, awkward looking self was on them and I always felt like an MVP when you did.  I used to be embarrassed and ask you to stop when you’d brag to your friends that I scored a goal, but deep down I actually really enjoyed it because I was proud too.  Even my friends enjoyed hearing you clear across the gym or the field losing your voice yelling “Go Ed Go!”

That’s what you were always good at though, making me feel special even if I didn’t believe it about myself at the time.  There were days when my test in school didn’t go the way I planned, or when I lost that game on a free throw in 7^th grade, and you still said, “I think you’re great, and you’ll get it next time.”  It rebuilt my confidence and I knew I could face the world again, stronger and tougher than I was before.

The reality is Mom, I could keep writing paragraph after paragraph saying thank you and reminiscing about the things we’ve been through, and the fun that we’ve had.  I know Dad was there too, but today’s your day so I’m talking to you, he can wait until June.  We may not have always seen eye to eye on everything, and I know it would break your heart to say no to that toy, or the ice cream cone, or whatever else as I got older.  The one thing I could always count on was that you were always there for me, with my best interest at heart, and I’m grateful for that.

You’ve sacrificed a lot throughout the years to make sure that I had a happy childhood, a good education and a good life.  There really isn’t any amount of money that can repay you for what you’ve done for me, but I’m forever indebted for the things you’ve done because you always found a way to make the impossible happen.  Thanks Mom!

Love,
 Your son

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my friends who are moms and most importantly for me,

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom.

(yes, this is a pic of  my mom and I on my first birthday)

Thankful for Good...and Bad?

As the Thanksgiving Holiday draws closer by the hour, we see on many social media networks people asking friends to post what they are thankful for.  This is certainly the perfect season to be pensive of what we appreciate and to share that gratitude with our friends and family as we all get together and reconnect this upcoming weekend.  There is plenty in my life that I am grateful for, and the ease of creating such a list is something in and of itself I am thankful for.  I won’t bore you with my full inventory here, but as I watched others post their thankful lists on Facebook, some by the day, others by the week, I started to notice a pattern.  I noticed that so many things were related to family, pets, jobs, and all around very positive feel-good type things.  This got me to start thinking (not in a scrooge bah-humbug way) but what about the not-so-good things; can we be thankful for those too?  In that moment, I found this week’s blog.

I started to think about the potential for being thankful for the unconventional not-so-good things that people usually aren’t thankful for.  I wondered if I could still be thankful for some of those things even though in the moment it was painful and difficult and the answer was, “Yes”.  You’re probably thinking I went off the deep end and how could that be so, but it’s possible.  I’ve written about finding a silver lining in a previous post titled ‘When Life Happens…’ but this is something a little bit different.  I’m referring to being thankful for something after the event or occurrence has happened in a reflection for how it has contributed to making us a better and stronger person, not just finding something positive in the moment to get through it.  I’m also not saying you should be thankful for every bad thing that has happened to you, but there are some that might not be as bad when we look back on it.

A prime personal example of that was the end of my dream of becoming a doctor.  As a child, adults always ask, “What you want to be when you grow up?”.  For as long as I can remember my answer was consistently ‘A doctor’.  In college my experiences coaching youth basketball, volunteering as a mentor for kids, and substitute teaching narrowed my answer down to ‘A Pediatrician’.  The next thing I knew I was walking across the stage with a Pre-Med Physiology degree, but I had received rejection letters from the medical schools that I applied to.  Instead of becoming a Pediatrician, I pursued a Master’s Degree in Health Communications.  While in that program I was an Assistant Hall Director and discovered and built a career in Student Affairs.  I couldn’t have been more thankful for those med. school rejection letters because student affairs (Residence Life to be specific) was where I had some of the most amazing experiences, and met an abundance of wonderful people, staff and students.  At the time yes, the rejection letters were devastating, but I could never have predicted such a bright light at the end of the tunnel and looking back on it, I am thankful for what it lead to.

When asked what we are thankful for we tend to focus on the easy things that make us happy and that are positive. There’s nothing wrong with that because that’s great, I always encourage positivity.  But it’s also important to reflect on the tough times that have made us who we are today.  The things many people focus on as regrets, are instead the events and occurrences that have given us an opportunity to be stronger, smarter, and better people.  I’m not saying you should ruin your Thanksgiving by flooding your thoughts with bad stuff that has happened to you.  However it is important to think about the things that have made you who you are today, that may not have been ideal at the time but now could be something you would be thankful for happening because without it, you would never be who you are today.  We should learn to live our lives with no regrets.  Stop looking back and saying “I could’ve, would’ve, should’ve”.  The bottom line is that it happened, and you can move forward carrying with you the knowledge and experience gained to make your own life and the lives of others better.  We can be thankful for those times as well as everything else that is feel-good and positive.

A Thought on Leadership

There is a myth about being a great leader that has permeated what many people associate with leadership.  Through many different training sessions for supervisors that I have done, I find it is common that people believe you have to be famous or have some major accomplishments under your belt to be a great leader.  In reality all you really have to do is treat those that you lead with dignity and respect.  An integral part of the formula for good leadership, as well as getting effective results from your team can be as simple as that.  While it is true that there are great leaders who have accomplished something major, it is not a pre-requisite for being a great leader.  It is also unnecessary to have a wall of awards and trophies to serve as a leader who people adore and have come to identify as a leader who has made a difference.  It might come with the territory that an award is granted, but all too often those in positions of leadership pressure themselves to meet an imagined and arbitrary standard of being an awarded leader before they focus on how they treat those that they lead.

Let me walk you through a brief exercise I’ve done during a supervisor training session to illustrate what I’m talking about.  Try to name the past 5 Super Bowl MVP winners.  Try to name the past 3 Miss Universe winners. Try to name the last 4 Nobel Peace Prize Award winners.  Last but not least name the last 4 Oscar Winners for Best Director.

Now try to name 5 people who have been supportive of you.  Try to name 3 people who are great listeners.  Try to name 4 people whose honesty serves as a role model for you. Try to name 4 people who you’ve watched be kind to others regularly.

The first set of lists is remarkably more difficult.  Through that process we are listing people based on their awards, and while they have achieved some really amazing things, we do not remember them for their awards.  We do however remember people who have touched our lives in meaningful ways, and been there for us.  What’s more remarkable is that the traits they conveyed and are remembered for are traits that we generally associate with describing a good leader. 

The flipside is that as a good leader the respect from those you lead is commonly what resonates as more rewarding.  A recent example of this is listening to someone like Tom Brady who is a very accomplished quarterback in the NFL for the New England Patriots.  Recently he addressed college football players at the University of Michigan where he played as a quarterback.  He told these players that the accomplishment he was most proud of were not his Super Bowl rings, or a Super Bowl MVP award, but that his teammates voted him captain of the team in college.  He had earned the respect of his teammates and they looked up to him enough to select him to be their representative and leader.

This is exactly the crux of the matter.  Being a good leader is something that is earned from those that you lead.  Accomplishments while great and fantastic do not by default make someone a good leader.  Instead it is the way you treat those that you lead that make you a good leader.  Someone cannot be a leader without followers in any environment (work, sports team, volunteering, etc.).  The best way to be a memorable leader, as well as an effective one, is to be someone that people admire for the way that they treat their followers.  Just like in the exercise above, would you rather have someone struggle to remember you because of an award you won, or would you rather be someone who is easy to recall because you treated those you lead in a way that they appreciated?  It is in the latter where good leaders are created and how they earn the respect of those that they lead.