Be Refined, Not Defined

After being faced with disappointment, or a negative outcome have you ever just sat there thinking to yourself why me?  It may feel like a lonely spot at the time, but we have all been in that position before, so you’re definitively not alone.  This pivotal moment is where people are either made or broken.  The proverbial fork in the road where we decide to keep on trying or to let this moment be our demise.  People sometimes refer to it as a defining moment in their life.  I challenge that way of thinking and assert that one experience should not define an entire dynamic life because a person should not forever be defined by one experience.  Sure it might be a remarkable turning point, but instead it should be a refining moment.  The moment that helps create a better, stronger more successful person.

If you’ve ever watched a sculptor sculpt anything with a clay medium, you’re aware of what it takes to make a beautiful work of art.  It starts out as a rough art medium with no specific structure, looking like absolutely nothing at all.  Sometimes throughout the process the sculptor will add smaller globs of clay to the sculpture and mold and shape it incorporating it into the entire object.  Then over time, with sweat, effort, and refining movements using their hands and tools, it begins to take shape until the sculpture eventually emerges as a beautiful work of art.

This is how we need to attack those moments of misery, failed attempts, broken dreams and despair.  It starts out as something that is completely ugly and undesirable, much like a boring glob of clay.  It’s difficult to see what the end result will be and what can come from something so unattractive.

Just like sculpting a work of art we must take time, concentration and care to refine ourselves through these moments.  Each obstacle and challenge we face is like adding on another ball of clay to the sculpture that we must incorporate into our beautiful and successful self.  These adversities are added to our lives in the midst of our pursuit of our goals and dreams.  We must take them in stride and like the artist scrape away the unwanted bits that are not helpful to keep and let them go.  Then we mold and shape the lessons and experiences left from these moments using them to refine us into a better person. 

Therefore we can’t let our situations and these moments define who we are.  Sure these situations will influence our lives, but we cannot let them control our lives, we need to be in control of our lives. That is the difference between being defined and refined.  If we choose to be defined by our circumstances we are never controlling our destiny.  Instead we become bystanders in our own lives instead of active participants.  Who wants to be the audience of their own life?  We should be the director, producer and also play the lead role.  It’s our life!

We should constantly be looking for what we can learn from these experiences and how those lessons can make us into a better person.  Tomorrow is coming and we can’t dwell on the negative for too long.  It’s alright to feel the frustration and the pain for a little bit, that’s a natural part of the process.  An artist takes time to look at what they will sculpt from to decide on a plan of action to start working.  In a similar way, we too can take some time to create our own plan of action to sculpt our situation into a way to make us a more successful person.

With each refining moment, we are constantly improving, much like the sculptor improves their sculpture with each carving gesture to become increasingly accurate to their vision.  With each challenge we are faced with we are gaining preparation for something greater in our future and getting that much closer to becoming who we want to be.

This won’t be the first time we will meet a challenge, and it certainly won’t be the last.  But what we do with it will determine whether we are refined or defined.

Simple Physics in Life

If you’ve ever taken a physics class in high school or college, you might agree or disagree with the title of this blog.  However, you’ve more than likely been introduced to Newton’s First Law of Motion, commonly referred to as The Law of Inertia.  In its most basic form, it states an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force, and an object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force.  (I figured I’d save you the pain of reading about constant velocity by not quoting the actual law, or dredging up any more bad memories of physics classes that you might have.)  The point is that even though were are more complex than the simple objects that Sir Isaac Newton’s Law was created for, our lives mimic this law. 

Have you ever just had a really bad day where nothing seems to be going right, and it seems never ending?  Then all of a sudden something good happens, it makes you smile, and then it seems as if more and more good things seem to happen to bring you out of your dark state.  This is exactly how our lives can play out according to this law of physics.  That outside force of positivity acting on you, changed your emotional direction into a positive one when it seemed as if you were headed down a negative road.  The same thing happens when we are in a really great mood and something bad happens or it “acts” upon us and brings us down.

This is where we as humans are more special than a regular old object that sits in our surroundings.  We can be responsible for creating forces that bring us out of our own difficult situations.  While the same is true that we can also be responsible for creating forces that send us into bad situations when we’re already headed into a happy direction.

In addition to this, we are also responsible for being either a positive influential force on the lives of others or a negative one through the way that we treat other people, and the decisions we make.  Take for example a supervisor that is always berating employees, or not valuing their work ethic, and the effort they put forward.  The supervisor is limited in their view of the employee and sees the product produced, but they never appreciate the sweat equity that goes into the end result or recognizes it with appreciation.  This type of supervisor is someone who, while great at achieving the bottom line, might be creating a negative force bringing stress upon their employees and creating an unhappy, unhealthy work place.  I’m sure we all can think of different people in our lives in various situations who are negative forces, and those who are positive ones based on their actions and the things that they do.

As stated however, as humans we are more complex than objects so we do not only have to rely on extrinsic forces influencing our daily lives, we can create intrinsic ones for ourselves, as well as consciously be responsible for forces that affect those around us.  If you have found yourself volunteering your time to support others, or you have been someone that listens to that close friend who needs you at a difficult time, these are examples of creating positive forces to influence the lives of others.  If you’ve ever put in the effort to achieve one of your goals that seemed unattainable, or you’ve overcome a difficulty through perseverance and determination these are examples of creating intrinsic forces that are acting upon you to move you in a positive direction.  Even the power of positive thinking can be a force that affects how we move through our daily lives, and affects the decisions we make for ourselves.

There is acknowledgment that there are some extrinsic forces that we can’t control such as weather, government decisions, personal health issues, etc.   However we have the ability once acted upon by those forces to create our own intrinsic ones to take action to keep us moving in a positive direction no matter how bleak the future might seem, or insurmountable the obstacle that we face.  Also extremely important is having the awareness of the influence that we are having on those around us and the types of forces that we are creating on their lives.  Ultimately through positive thinking, awareness of our actions and of our decision making, we can create more positive forces and in fact move ourselves and others in a more positive direction.

They Will Say No, You Will Say Yes

It’s definitely that time of year in sports.  There are NFL Playoff games happening, and NCAA College Basketball is in full swing.  So many of us watch great catches and defensive plays on the football field, and then flip the channel to amazing dunks that make us stand up and high five complete strangers.  If you take the time to read some of my past blogs, it will come as no surprise that I pull a lot of motivation and leadership philosophy from athletes, sports quotes and sports teams.

This week, I was reminded of something from playing basketball my freshman year in high school when I heard the stories of two athletes Derrick Coleman and Isaiah Austin.  I was reminded of a motivational quote our coach gave us during our first team meeting.  It stuck out to me, so I cut it out and hung it in my locker.  From then on, I would look at this quote all through high school, college, and eventually come to share it with people I supervised when I started working full time.  It’s from a Nike Ad (the ad is below) and although I love the whole thing, my favorite line is:

“They will tell you no.

A thousand times no. Until all the no’s become meaningless. 

All your life they will tell you no.

Quite firmly and very quickly.

And you will tell them yes.”

Derrick Coleman is a player for the Seattle Seahawks.  He climbed the ranks playing football through high school, at UCLA, and now will play on the greatest and biggest stage in the NFL, the Super Bowl.  I came across Derrick through, surprisingly enough, a Duracell commercial.  After reading more about Derrick I realized that he has a very inspirational story.  What you may not know about him, is that he is a legally deaf person playing in the NFL.  In a sport where snap counts, audibled plays (plays changed by the quarterback before the ball is hiked) and crowd noise play a vital role in the success of the team, Derrick has learned through his hearing aid and coping mechanisms to play at the most elite level in the sport.  From being a child trying to fit his hearing aid under his helmet, to going undrafted in the NFL, he was constantly being told ‘No’ and through perseverance and determination, he told them ‘Yes’.

The story of Isaiah Austin is also a story of triumph under difficult odds.  Isaiah Austin is a basketball player for Baylor University, a Division I Men’s Basketball Team.  Through a routine dunk in warm ups during middle school, he aggravated an injury from little league.  In basketball where eye sight and depth perception are as vital as a good jump shot, Isaiah was learning to play the game in a completely different way than most youth.  He tore his retina in one eye and despite surgery and efforts to save his sight, he eventually became blind in one eye.  He was therefore learning coping mechanisms to compensate for his sight, and how to play through his unique circumstance.  Bearing this secret until very recently, he admits to hiding his loss of vision in one eye because he was afraid people would tell him ‘No’ suggesting that he wasn’t good enough, or not take a chance on him because he only could see through one eye.  Instead he found ways to tell them ‘Yes’ before they even had a chance to say ‘No’.

I share these stories and the Nike Ad because intrinsic motivation is such a vital source of the drive we must have to succeed.  I think about my favorite line whenever I get the sense that someone thinks I’m not good enough, or when I come across an obstacle blocking me from something that I want to achieve.  Our circumstances may not be the exact same as Derrick’s or Isaiah’s, but they serve as great examples of how to overcome the odds against them to achieve their goals in life.

Most importantly I use the Nike Ad and will now think of these athletes when doubt creeps into my own mind wondering if I’m good enough, or talented enough.  I think it’s safe to say that we have all had moments of self-doubt where we have second guessed ourselves or berated ourselves in comparison to others.  We can easily get sucked into the spiral of negativity in our minds and our thoughts second guessing ourselves on whether we are capable of something.  It’s natural for those thoughts to creep in occasionally, but it’s even more crucial to put them out and stand resilient with the confidence in ourselves.  We have to eliminate those thoughts and be determined to succeed the same way Derrick and Isaiah have persevered through their challenges to succeed.  The reason this is so important is because as the Nike Ad says: “They will tell you No”, so if you’re not willing to tell them ‘Yes’, then who will?

Story from ABC about Derrick Coleman click here.

Story from Sportscenter about Isaiah Austin click here

New Year, New You

With New Year’s Eve upon us, many take the time to reflect on the past year.  For some of us 2013 was as cursed as the number 13 promises to be, so we look forward to 2014.  But all of us fondly reminisce about the high points of the year, and learn life’s tough lessons from the low.  The resolutions of many to work out more often flood our gyms with users in January, and as the masses settle into their routines around February, the resolution is a faded memory.  This is an all too familiar habit of New Year’s resolutions and promises to ourselves; we make them as fast as we break them.  Is this proof that we are non-committal people?  I don’t think that’s true.  We simply need to commit to ourselves and commit to making our resolutions habitual practices.

Take for instance showering, or brushing your teeth.  You typically don’t think twice about not doing either of those things.  It’s easy to make the excuse that it’s built into your daily routine and you are committed to doing them because if you didn’t it would negatively impact you.  As you make your resolutions aren’t you trying to resolve to do things that make you a better person and that would negatively impact you without it?  I agree it is easier said than done because life happens to derail you from your plans, but the important thing to remember is you must make a commitment to yourself and hold yourself accountable.

Don’t worry about creating a big fancy resolution to impress your friends, which ends up being so lofty that you’ve put yourself in a difficult situation to stay true to it.  The reality is, you don’t have to impress anyone with your resolution.  If your resolution is small, but it’s something that helps you have a successful 2014 and future, then go for it!  Make that your resolution and make a plan of how to incorporate it into your daily routine.  It might change your current lifestyle a bit, but it will help you be a better person and that’s what’s important.

As you reflect on 2013 and look forward to what 2014 has in store, I will leave you with lessons that I’ve learned and placed in my blogs from 2013 that I plan to use to help me have a successful 2014 and hopefully they can help you too.  (Links to the pertinent blog have been placed in each item) 

HAPPY NEW YEAR, and HAPPY NEW YOU!

1.      “Water Your Own Grass”.  Cultivate what you have in your own life.  We think the grass is always greener on the other side.  Instead, look in your own backyard, the grass might be greener than you think it is if you take the time to cultivate it instead of wishing you had someone else’s.

2.      Start with yourself to be a good leader.  There is no ‘I’ in team but there is a ‘me’.  In order to build a successful team, and be a good leader it starts with the person you see every day, yourself.  “Coaching at Work”

3.      “Take the First Step” There are many different things that you will tell yourself you can’t do.  But put those negative thoughts out of your head, and be prepared to take the first step.  There is always a fear of failing, but you might embark on a new and successful journey.

4.      “Be Vulnerable”.  It’s difficult to let your guard down, and open up to others, but it’s important that you take the time to be authentic with them.  It’s risky and sometimes it can be painful, but in many other instances it leads to more authentic relationships, and cultivates stronger bonds.

5.      “Go the Distance”.  In life, preparation can lead to success when you least expect it.  You will be able to go farther than you expected much like Meredith Fitzmaurice if you are persistent, determined, and prepared.  You will shock yourself with what you can achieve.

6.     Find the Silver Lining. There are unexpected moments in life and circumstances that will try to derail you from your goals.  You are responsible for your future and can overcome anything.  Find the silver lining, use that as your motivation to prevail. “When Life Happens”

7.      Give to others.  We all live in communities where there are people less fortunate that ourselves.  It’s important that we show compassion and give back to our communities while being thankful for the things that we have in our own lives.   “Thanks and Giving”

8.      “You Are Your Own CEO”.  You’re responsible for yourself to accomplish your goals, achieve greatness and represent yourself.  Look for support from those who will be on your board of directors to give you praise and share constructive criticism to help you be who you want to be.

9.      “Don’t Quit”.  Life will throw you curve balls, and can be difficult.  You should always be prepared and have a positive attitude that it’s not over until it’s actually over.  With a prepared mind and strong persistence you will be ready for success when the opportunity presents itself.

10.   “Your Friends are Your Future”.  We’ve all heard the crabs in a barrel cliché.  But conversely if you surround yourself with positive people striving for greatness instead of pulling you down, they will push you up.  Sometimes we allow ourselves to knowingly get pulled down because it’s easier to keep the negativity around rather than do what’s difficult and cut it out of our lives.

11.   “What’s your Legacy?” Make sure that when you are doing something regardless of where you are, that you are leaving behind a trail of greatness.  You have an impact with every endeavor you embark on, so let your influence be a great and positive one.

12.   Don’t worry about the trophy.  Most people remembered over the course of time aren’t remembered for the trophy that they won.  Work hard not for the award, but because it’s the right thing to do, and you want to have a positive impact.  The awards will come, and people will forget what you won, but they won’t forget your impact.  “A Thought on Leadership”

 

 

Thankful for Good...and Bad?

As the Thanksgiving Holiday draws closer by the hour, we see on many social media networks people asking friends to post what they are thankful for.  This is certainly the perfect season to be pensive of what we appreciate and to share that gratitude with our friends and family as we all get together and reconnect this upcoming weekend.  There is plenty in my life that I am grateful for, and the ease of creating such a list is something in and of itself I am thankful for.  I won’t bore you with my full inventory here, but as I watched others post their thankful lists on Facebook, some by the day, others by the week, I started to notice a pattern.  I noticed that so many things were related to family, pets, jobs, and all around very positive feel-good type things.  This got me to start thinking (not in a scrooge bah-humbug way) but what about the not-so-good things; can we be thankful for those too?  In that moment, I found this week’s blog.

I started to think about the potential for being thankful for the unconventional not-so-good things that people usually aren’t thankful for.  I wondered if I could still be thankful for some of those things even though in the moment it was painful and difficult and the answer was, “Yes”.  You’re probably thinking I went off the deep end and how could that be so, but it’s possible.  I’ve written about finding a silver lining in a previous post titled ‘When Life Happens…’ but this is something a little bit different.  I’m referring to being thankful for something after the event or occurrence has happened in a reflection for how it has contributed to making us a better and stronger person, not just finding something positive in the moment to get through it.  I’m also not saying you should be thankful for every bad thing that has happened to you, but there are some that might not be as bad when we look back on it.

A prime personal example of that was the end of my dream of becoming a doctor.  As a child, adults always ask, “What you want to be when you grow up?”.  For as long as I can remember my answer was consistently ‘A doctor’.  In college my experiences coaching youth basketball, volunteering as a mentor for kids, and substitute teaching narrowed my answer down to ‘A Pediatrician’.  The next thing I knew I was walking across the stage with a Pre-Med Physiology degree, but I had received rejection letters from the medical schools that I applied to.  Instead of becoming a Pediatrician, I pursued a Master’s Degree in Health Communications.  While in that program I was an Assistant Hall Director and discovered and built a career in Student Affairs.  I couldn’t have been more thankful for those med. school rejection letters because student affairs (Residence Life to be specific) was where I had some of the most amazing experiences, and met an abundance of wonderful people, staff and students.  At the time yes, the rejection letters were devastating, but I could never have predicted such a bright light at the end of the tunnel and looking back on it, I am thankful for what it lead to.

When asked what we are thankful for we tend to focus on the easy things that make us happy and that are positive. There’s nothing wrong with that because that’s great, I always encourage positivity.  But it’s also important to reflect on the tough times that have made us who we are today.  The things many people focus on as regrets, are instead the events and occurrences that have given us an opportunity to be stronger, smarter, and better people.  I’m not saying you should ruin your Thanksgiving by flooding your thoughts with bad stuff that has happened to you.  However it is important to think about the things that have made you who you are today, that may not have been ideal at the time but now could be something you would be thankful for happening because without it, you would never be who you are today.  We should learn to live our lives with no regrets.  Stop looking back and saying “I could’ve, would’ve, should’ve”.  The bottom line is that it happened, and you can move forward carrying with you the knowledge and experience gained to make your own life and the lives of others better.  We can be thankful for those times as well as everything else that is feel-good and positive.

When Life Happens...

In life we spend a lot of our time planning for the future.  We set goals, we make plans and we look forward to the outcomes.  What I’ve learned however is that life happens and sometimes things do not always go according to the plan.  I had a friend in college who used to joke when things went awry by saying, “This is not the life I ordered!”  When our plans get slightly and sometimes significantly derailed by life happening, that is where our true character and strength must prevail.  We must either get back on course, or chart a new one that we decide upon given the circumstances that we’ve encountered.

This past Friday night I was subject to my own personal test.  It’s what led me to thinking about this, and writing this week’s blog.  To set the stage, I am currently in the midst of a very fervent and active job search that has lasted longer than I have expected.  It’s a search that I never would have predicted that I would be involved in based on my plans and career goals.  On Friday night while enjoying a baseball game at a sports bar my vehicle was burglarized and I was the victim of theft.  A window on my vehicle was completely shattered and my laptop (what I thought was hidden well) was stolen.  In the moment when I realized what happened I was overwhelmed with frustration.  My plans for not only the weekend, but for job searching, writing this blog, and other planned financial commitments were all instantaneously and significantly altered.  I couldn’t sleep the night it happened consumed with thoughts about the setback, but the next morning I was resolute that this would not get the best of me.

That’s the message I want to share with you in today’s blog.  Don’t let your unpredictable circumstance get the best of you.  There is always a silver lining and finding that can help be the first step you take to get you back on your feet and ready to be your successful self.  When I woke up on Saturday, I was still alive and unharmed, my vehicle was intact and the easiest of parts to replace was all that was damaged.  I’m able to write this week’s blog despite the fact that my laptop is in the hands of a stranger.  I don’t know how or when I will replace my laptop but that will come in due time, I just have to take it one day at a time. 

The same is true for my job search.  I’m not happy that I’ve been forced into searching for a new position, but there is a silver lining.  I’ve fostered some very meaningful relationships during this time.  I have also learned a lot about myself and that a job does not define who I am, it is merely a part of who I am.  Not only that, but I’ve become a more disciplined and determined person during this time.  This is all a part of my silver lining while I remain committed and determined to find a new position.

There are times where you have faced your own unpredicted circumstances and there are some that are yet to come.  It is not all roses and sunshine in a neat little package, so it’s natural to have frustration, and other emotions set in when things don’t go according to plan.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  My message here is to not let that completely derail you.  Get back up, dust yourself off, find your silver lining and begin to take the steps necessary to be successful again.  You’ve overcome other things in your life, so you can overcome whatever comes your way, you just have to believe in yourself.

Take the First Step

As I was watching HBO’s Real Sports they did a story on Nik Wallenda.  You might recognize his name as one of the most daring and famous tightrope walkers of our era.  He’s accomplished what many would describe as unimaginable, brave, and downright dangerous.  Some of his feats include crossing the Little Colorado River Gorge next to the Grand Canyon, as well as crossing Niagara Falls on a tight rope.  He holds an amazing 7 world records. 

Now the closest I’ve ever come to walking a tight rope is playing on a balance beam on the playground as a kid, so I’m no Nik.  But during that interview he mentioned two things that really stood out to me about how we live our lives, and how similar it is to what he accomplishes on the tight rope. 

He said the hardest part of some of his aerial stunts is taking the first step as he walks out onto the wire.  Once he’s past that, the jitters of starting are done, and he can concentrate on the intricacies of the rest of the act.

The truth is the first step really is the most difficult any time you start something new.  As school has started, the first step for a student into the hallway or on campus can be scary.  If you’ve decided you want to start a business, the first step of opening the store front and taking a leap of faith can be terrifying.  Sometimes it’s intimidating walking into the boss’s office to suggest a new initiative, starting a conversation with a significant other about something serious, or even starting a new job. 

The first step in all of these is scary for the same reason the first step is scary for Nik.  It’s a fear of the unknown and wondering: “What will the rest of the journey be like?” There’s also a fear of not succeeding and wondering: “Will I make it?” “Will I survive?”.  You’re human and those are natural feelings to have.  We have all felt that at one time while embarking on a new endeavor.  What Nik does is he practices frequently to anticipate the stunt and various scenarios that can happen on the wire in order to complete the act and diminish the odds of falling. 

In our own lives we must also prepare ourselves to diminish the danger of failing after that first step.  It comes down to preparedness and trusting in your preparedness.  We should constantly be putting in the work to make ourselves better and ready to succeed after that first step.  There will be obstacles that can’t be accounted for, but our preparation and keeping our mindset focused can help us overcome those and make it to the other end.  Nik prepares for gusts of wind on the rope high above natural wonders, but sometimes Mother Nature has a surprise for him.  But trusting in his preparation and staying focused on succeeding, he continues on much like we need to do when we’re faced with something unexpected.

The second statement that stuck with me is the fact that he doesn’t use a safety net or harness to perform.  He said, "My great-grandfather taught that safety nets offer a false sense of security,"  Going on to say that a safety net is no guarantee because an uncle of his was killed while performing, despite falling into a safety net.

All too often we are afraid to take that first step unless we are completely sure that we will be safe from failing.  Sometimes we hinder ourselves from trying something new because we fill our minds with: “What if it doesn’t work out?”.  Failing is a part of life and what we learn some of our most valuable lessons from.  If Nik subscribed to these thoughts he wouldn’t have 7 world records because he never would have taken that first step without a safety net.  I had a supervisor once share with me that paralysis by analysis can prevent us from moving forward in our lives if we get caught up worrying about the ‘what ifs’.  Overthinking something might be holding you back right now.  It takes a lot of courage to trust the process, and to trust your-self to make the best decisions.  Undoubtedly you’ve survived some very rough times, and bounced back stronger.  You’ve healed your wounds and gotten back up on that wire to take another first step to finish your journey.  That means you already know you’re a survivor.

Sometimes you will fail, just like sometimes Nik has fallen off that wire.  But he gets back up on it and tries again, and that’s what I know you can do.  If you’ve got a dream to chase, or you’re about to try something new or different, don’t be afraid to take the first step, and don’t worry if it doesn’t work out.  Just get back up on the wire after some more preparation, trust the process and take that first step again. 

You will make it to the other end of the wire. I know you can do it.

For those of you that are interested, here's a quick news story about Nik
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX_jFK9Zf5k