Be Vulnerable

I enjoy intellectually stimulating experiences, so I’m addicted to watching TED talks.  If you’re not familiar with them, TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design and it’s a conference that brings together some of the most brilliant minds to talk about a myriad of topics and the talks are posted online.  Almost a year ago I came across a TED talk by Brené Brown about vulnerability and instantaneously I was enthralled with her message.  It was so poignant that I watched the video again, and searched YouTube to find more of her talks.

Brené is a shame and vulnerability researcher and it was her second TED talk that I watched that really hit home.  (I posted it below if you’re interested)  I had my own share of life events going on when I watched her and that’s why it was revolutionary for me.  I recently revisited it and that’s what brought me to write this post.  Her talk helped shift my perspective on the way I approached things in my life and how I interacted with those I considered important in my life.  I shared it with close friends and even built a training session around it for the team I supervised in order to create a shift in the workplace culture.  Now I’m sharing it with you because I admire her work and her message.

We hinder our full potential to achieve great things and live happily if we continue to hide under a security blanket.  You’ve done this and I’ve done this.  We’ve played it safe in a meeting, or a classroom, or in friendships and relationships.  We succumb to the voice of shame that she talks about and ultimately as I’ve talked about in a previous post, a paralysis by analysis happens.  We get stuck by over thinking the problem, out of a fear of failure in trying to solve it. 

It takes courage to be vulnerable and let people see your true self, and who you can be.  Yes sometimes it will lead to heartache, or something that doesn’t feel so good.  But there is a great potential inside you, and for the security of playing it safe, you’ve put up a wall to hide behind.  This wall is preventing you from being your authentic self and that’s a horrible thing because you’re great and you have greatness to share with the world. 

We are constantly in personal construction zones building fortified walls believing that the more walls we put up the safer we will be.  Sure there is some part of this that serves as a coping mechanism to be safer in many situations, but we are then protecting ourselves from emotions, connections, and the opportunity to experience life in its full, vivid, robust entirety as it was meant to be.  Who doesn’t want to meet that new best friend that you can share a million laughs with, or meet the person of your dreams?  Or worse you could miss out on that exhilarating and memorable experience that you never would have had unless you made yourself vulnerable. 

I haven’t been perfect at this so let’s not think that I do it in every situation, but I’m a work in progress and I make an effort to be more vulnerable so you can too.  Trust me it feels awkward at first because we aren’t socialized to be this way, but I’ve found more genuine relationships have been built because of it, and I feel more at ease not worrying what people will think.  I convinced myself wouldn’t I rather be around people who want the real me, as opposed to some tailored version to make them happy?

Brené says that vulnerability is our ability to be honest and to be seen.  I truly believe that statement and believe that is who we want to surround ourselves with.  We want friends, spouses, significant others and coworkers to be real, to be authentic.  If we are not authentic in return we won’t be able to foster such relationships.  That’s why without vulnerability that cannot occur.  So be yourself and take the risk that Brené talks about.  I believe in you.

 

 

The link to her TED talk that I enjoyed so much:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

New Year, New You

With New Year’s Eve upon us, many take the time to reflect on the past year.  For some of us 2013 was as cursed as the number 13 promises to be, so we look forward to 2014.  But all of us fondly reminisce about the high points of the year, and learn life’s tough lessons from the low.  The resolutions of many to work out more often flood our gyms with users in January, and as the masses settle into their routines around February, the resolution is a faded memory.  This is an all too familiar habit of New Year’s resolutions and promises to ourselves; we make them as fast as we break them.  Is this proof that we are non-committal people?  I don’t think that’s true.  We simply need to commit to ourselves and commit to making our resolutions habitual practices.

Take for instance showering, or brushing your teeth.  You typically don’t think twice about not doing either of those things.  It’s easy to make the excuse that it’s built into your daily routine and you are committed to doing them because if you didn’t it would negatively impact you.  As you make your resolutions aren’t you trying to resolve to do things that make you a better person and that would negatively impact you without it?  I agree it is easier said than done because life happens to derail you from your plans, but the important thing to remember is you must make a commitment to yourself and hold yourself accountable.

Don’t worry about creating a big fancy resolution to impress your friends, which ends up being so lofty that you’ve put yourself in a difficult situation to stay true to it.  The reality is, you don’t have to impress anyone with your resolution.  If your resolution is small, but it’s something that helps you have a successful 2014 and future, then go for it!  Make that your resolution and make a plan of how to incorporate it into your daily routine.  It might change your current lifestyle a bit, but it will help you be a better person and that’s what’s important.

As you reflect on 2013 and look forward to what 2014 has in store, I will leave you with lessons that I’ve learned and placed in my blogs from 2013 that I plan to use to help me have a successful 2014 and hopefully they can help you too.  (Links to the pertinent blog have been placed in each item) 

HAPPY NEW YEAR, and HAPPY NEW YOU!

1.      “Water Your Own Grass”.  Cultivate what you have in your own life.  We think the grass is always greener on the other side.  Instead, look in your own backyard, the grass might be greener than you think it is if you take the time to cultivate it instead of wishing you had someone else’s.

2.      Start with yourself to be a good leader.  There is no ‘I’ in team but there is a ‘me’.  In order to build a successful team, and be a good leader it starts with the person you see every day, yourself.  “Coaching at Work”

3.      “Take the First Step” There are many different things that you will tell yourself you can’t do.  But put those negative thoughts out of your head, and be prepared to take the first step.  There is always a fear of failing, but you might embark on a new and successful journey.

4.      “Be Vulnerable”.  It’s difficult to let your guard down, and open up to others, but it’s important that you take the time to be authentic with them.  It’s risky and sometimes it can be painful, but in many other instances it leads to more authentic relationships, and cultivates stronger bonds.

5.      “Go the Distance”.  In life, preparation can lead to success when you least expect it.  You will be able to go farther than you expected much like Meredith Fitzmaurice if you are persistent, determined, and prepared.  You will shock yourself with what you can achieve.

6.     Find the Silver Lining. There are unexpected moments in life and circumstances that will try to derail you from your goals.  You are responsible for your future and can overcome anything.  Find the silver lining, use that as your motivation to prevail. “When Life Happens”

7.      Give to others.  We all live in communities where there are people less fortunate that ourselves.  It’s important that we show compassion and give back to our communities while being thankful for the things that we have in our own lives.   “Thanks and Giving”

8.      “You Are Your Own CEO”.  You’re responsible for yourself to accomplish your goals, achieve greatness and represent yourself.  Look for support from those who will be on your board of directors to give you praise and share constructive criticism to help you be who you want to be.

9.      “Don’t Quit”.  Life will throw you curve balls, and can be difficult.  You should always be prepared and have a positive attitude that it’s not over until it’s actually over.  With a prepared mind and strong persistence you will be ready for success when the opportunity presents itself.

10.   “Your Friends are Your Future”.  We’ve all heard the crabs in a barrel cliché.  But conversely if you surround yourself with positive people striving for greatness instead of pulling you down, they will push you up.  Sometimes we allow ourselves to knowingly get pulled down because it’s easier to keep the negativity around rather than do what’s difficult and cut it out of our lives.

11.   “What’s your Legacy?” Make sure that when you are doing something regardless of where you are, that you are leaving behind a trail of greatness.  You have an impact with every endeavor you embark on, so let your influence be a great and positive one.

12.   Don’t worry about the trophy.  Most people remembered over the course of time aren’t remembered for the trophy that they won.  Work hard not for the award, but because it’s the right thing to do, and you want to have a positive impact.  The awards will come, and people will forget what you won, but they won’t forget your impact.  “A Thought on Leadership”

 

 

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Last week in my post ‘Live Without Regret’ I delved into the idea that a regret many of us share in common is that at some point, for some reason we deviated and compromised our true self due to our own pride and desire to save face.  This week I’m following up to that post, to talk about what to do after that regret has already happened. 

It’s very easy to get caught up in what could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been if circumstances that happened were different.  You’ll hear it referred to more frequently in its slang version as ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’.  It can also reference what we could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve done if we had the chance to do something over again.  The truth is that these Three Muskateers can hack and slash through a positive future faster than the swashbuckling originals Arthos, Porthos and Aramis if we obsess about the past. 

Instead it is important that we focus on what can be, shall be and will be in the future.  None of us would dare to drive a vehicle by looking in the review mirror to drive forward, we all drive by looking through the windshield.  Therefore, it’s important to keep our focus forward and to think about the future.

In thinking about the future, it’s important to think about how to prepare ourselves for that future.  It’s natural to think back about would could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve been, so initially there is nothing wrong with occasionally looking back to take lessons from the mistakes we have made.  Reflection is a key asset to not repeat the same mistakes and fix our flaws.  It becomes dangerous however when we dwell on it for too long, and that’s where it can threaten the future.  It’s also important to love ourselves through this process and not beat ourselves up for the mistakes we’ve made.  Mistakes will happen because we’re human.  Yet as we make these mistakes, we need to learn from them and they will make us stronger people.   

There are some missed opportunities from the past that we can hope come back around to fruition in the future, but hoping is only one very small step.  More importantly we need to make sure that we are taking action by working on developing ourselves so that if that second chance opportunity presents itself again, we are not the same person we were before repeating the same mistakes.  We need to be prepared as a new and improved person ready to embrace that opportunity when it presents itself.  It might be a brand new opportunity or as I said a second chance at a previous one, but the last thing any of us wants is to get caught up thinking could’ve, should’ve, would’ve again.  So we need to be ready.

Take whatever feedback and lessons from the past and let’s make sure we’re ready and prepared for the future.  This process of reflecting on the past (briefly to learn), owning the present, and preparing for the future can apply to any life circumstance.  Part of the preparation for the future is being vulnerable and living without regret so that we can be the best person that we can be, real and genuine.  Then we have to be ready to seize that next opportunity, whether it’s a second chance, or a new one, and welcome it and propel forward into the future.  Celebrate the past, enjoy the good times, learn from the bad, but don’t dwell on it for too long because it can’t be changed.  Instead we can shape and make a better future for ourselves, and that’s why we need to focus on what can be, shall be, and will be.

Live Without Regret

 

Life experiences are the tiles in the mosaic that make up who we are as people.  We are all works of art in our own way, and have tiles that we are proud of, and some that make us not so proud.  The sum of the whole serves as a comprehensive picture of our past, and can help guide us through our future.  Therefore many people say that you should live without any regrets because you learn from the experiences that have brought you both joy and pain, and the decisions you’ve made that have led to positive and negative outcomes.  I loved this idea, and bought into it like an eager stock broker on a hot stock.  I believed it was the perfect answer to adopt for whenever someone asked me if I had any regrets.  I’d respond with an emphatic “No way!” followed by the prideful philosophic declaration of how my experiences have made me who I am. 

I felt so good about having that wonderful answer in my back pocket because I believed having a regret meant that you were somewhat ashamed of who you were, or that it was a rejection of a part of your personality.  But as I’ve matured I’ve begun to realize, it’s just looking at a situation and if you could do it over again you would do something differently.  It means that even through regret, you can still have taken away a valuable educational experience from that situation, and you can still feel apologetic for your words or for an action or lack of action.

With this new frame of reference I’ve come to believe that I share with many other people one specific regret in common.  The regrets are the times in my life and possibly in yours that we were not our true authentic self.  I’m not referencing lying, that’s not what that means.  I’m talking about the times where some specific thought was held in, words were not said, or there was a lack of vulnerability to someone you trust.  This can even extend to being too proud to give in, or to admit to being wrong when deep down you were cognizant of your erroneous stance on something.

I wrote about vulnerability before in my post ‘Be Vulnerable’ and it’s a subject matter that has really great odds of surfacing again because it is the root of where your authentic self lies.  You see we have this thing in our life and in our society where we need to save ‘face’.  Face saving is a sociological concept that I’ve studied through the lens of interpersonal communication during graduate school.  It’s where shame, and pride reside as we interact with others in society because we desire for others to perceive us in a positive way.  Therefore we will hide our vulnerability, to meet the expectations of others or even ourselves so that we are not perceived as too soft or so that our pride doesn’t take a hit, or to be strong for someone else.  But what about you, what about yourself.  Why hide something that is truly who you are, just to be liked and seen in good favor?

When you lose your vulnerability, you risk losing what matters to you the most, and pushing people away that you care about the most.  Is that really worth it?  Do you want to be separated from the things in your life that you cherish just so that you can save face?  This can happen in any situation and it’s something that you have to be cognizant of because if you’re not, you are putting yourself at risk of losing what’s important to you.

Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, and live with no regrets.  Brenè Brown a leading researcher in vulnerability says that vulnerability is our ability to be honest and to be seen.  So be seen, and be yourself!  Share with others how you feel, tell that special someone what’s happening in your life so that they can understand, or explain to those who care that you’re in a difficult place.  Forget about what the right words are, use all that you have to use even if you use too many.  You’re not an ad agency, so your message doesn’t have to be perfect and you’re not paying by the ad space or the letter.  Don’t hold back your true self so that you can save face.  The minute you hold back anything is the minute that you now will probably have a regret in your life, which is that you weren’t your authentic self.