Love Yourself

I know, I know, as if there wasn’t enough pink and red everywhere now this post is about love?  Gross! Well it’s not as limited to what you think, so hang around for a bit longer.  As a single-30-something-male who is a hopeless romantic, I understand that the love stuff at this time of year is overwhelming.  I’ve been inundated with marketing and images of Valentine’s Day just like you.  But that inevitable day sits at the end of this week with a smug grin on its face waiting for people to max out credit cards on flowers, dinner and jewelry.  For many of us, it’s enough bombardment that I’ve heard some people use a four letter expletive as an action verb towards the day.  If you’re in a relationship or newly dating, it might be different.  There’s a lot of pressure placed on you to make the day special with roses, chocolates, or going to a fictional store character named Jared to spend a hefty part of your pay check as a monetary confirmation of your love.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been guilty before of participating in the mass consumerism that has come with Valentine’s Day; but through relationships and dating (good and bad experiences) I have begun to see love differently.  Our society and media whips us into a frenzy of magical love whether it’s an episode of the ‘Bachelor’ or that woman who sings “Every kiss begins with Kay”.  It teaches us that to truly know love, is to have a significant other who sweeps us off our feet, as we melt in their arms the same way they melt into ours.  I disagree.  I’m not a cynic and it’s not that I think it’s impossible to find that kind of love, but love comes in so many different forms beyond just that of a relationship with a significant other.

The commercialized love leads many of us to forget that every day we feel love from our families, our friends and most importantly our self.  Yes.  Our self.  The most important person you can and will ever love is the person you see in the mirror every day.  This isn’t where I launch into a diatribe that sounds like a single person’s manifesto bringing solidarity among single folks, that’s not what this is about.  The reality is whether you are in a relationship or not, no one can validate you more than you can validate yourself.  You don’t need to and should never rely on someone else’s acceptance of you to make you feel good about yourself.

I’m aware that much of this comes down to self-confidence.  Your self-confidence can be assembled through a variety of different forms whether it’s an outward physical appearance, the way you dress, your personality type, the hobbies that you have, etc.   We are judged every day by these things, and unless you meet a socially constructed stereotypical deal in all of them, there is a great chance that your self-confidence might be a bit damaged.  Perhaps you’ve been shamed into thinking you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, feminine enough, masculine enough and the list goes on and on.  At the end of the day however it’s vital to your own happiness that you find validation from within, and block out the negativity ridiculing you, or making you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.  You need to love you, for being you.

Take the time to perfect the things about yourself that you enjoy and love, instead of trying to do the things you think someone else will like about you.  There is nothing wrong with a little self-improvement and wanting to make ourselves a better person, but do it for you.  We are in a constant state of change through maturing, and learning new things.  It works very similar to home improvement.  We find something we don’t like about ourselves and put in the time, work, and effort to make it better.  The caveat is not getting caught up in curb appeal.  Don’t change yourself to live up to someone else’s standard, change yourself to live up to your own standard.  Remember, the most important person you can ever love is yourself.  Without loving yourself, you can easily fall victim to losing yourself.  With such a loss, the talents, ideas, hopes and dreams that you have can be lost as well.    

Some of you might still be caught up in the romance of Valentine’s Day and the idea of searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right.  I see a wife in my future as well, and that magical everlasting romance is something I want for myself, but the reality is that that type of love is hard.  Even in romance you need to love yourself first.  If you can’t get through the challenge of loving yourself first, then you’re never truly ready or secure enough to meet the challenge of loving someone else and you will settle.  You will inevitably settle for someone who you shouldn’t be with.  You need to reach a high level of self-love so that when someone else loves you, you can recognize that it’s not just your bank account, a fleeting infatuation, or lust awakening their loins that makes them love you.  You can be secure in the fact that it’s genuine love for who you are as a person.  You need to know yourself to know the love that you expect and deserve.

You’re the only you.  So through all your uniqueness, you need to see how beautiful you are in all your multifaceted ways.  Love yourself first and foremost and then be willing to accept the love of those around you.

They Will Say No, You Will Say Yes

It’s definitely that time of year in sports.  There are NFL Playoff games happening, and NCAA College Basketball is in full swing.  So many of us watch great catches and defensive plays on the football field, and then flip the channel to amazing dunks that make us stand up and high five complete strangers.  If you take the time to read some of my past blogs, it will come as no surprise that I pull a lot of motivation and leadership philosophy from athletes, sports quotes and sports teams.

This week, I was reminded of something from playing basketball my freshman year in high school when I heard the stories of two athletes Derrick Coleman and Isaiah Austin.  I was reminded of a motivational quote our coach gave us during our first team meeting.  It stuck out to me, so I cut it out and hung it in my locker.  From then on, I would look at this quote all through high school, college, and eventually come to share it with people I supervised when I started working full time.  It’s from a Nike Ad (the ad is below) and although I love the whole thing, my favorite line is:

“They will tell you no.

A thousand times no. Until all the no’s become meaningless. 

All your life they will tell you no.

Quite firmly and very quickly.

And you will tell them yes.”

Derrick Coleman is a player for the Seattle Seahawks.  He climbed the ranks playing football through high school, at UCLA, and now will play on the greatest and biggest stage in the NFL, the Super Bowl.  I came across Derrick through, surprisingly enough, a Duracell commercial.  After reading more about Derrick I realized that he has a very inspirational story.  What you may not know about him, is that he is a legally deaf person playing in the NFL.  In a sport where snap counts, audibled plays (plays changed by the quarterback before the ball is hiked) and crowd noise play a vital role in the success of the team, Derrick has learned through his hearing aid and coping mechanisms to play at the most elite level in the sport.  From being a child trying to fit his hearing aid under his helmet, to going undrafted in the NFL, he was constantly being told ‘No’ and through perseverance and determination, he told them ‘Yes’.

The story of Isaiah Austin is also a story of triumph under difficult odds.  Isaiah Austin is a basketball player for Baylor University, a Division I Men’s Basketball Team.  Through a routine dunk in warm ups during middle school, he aggravated an injury from little league.  In basketball where eye sight and depth perception are as vital as a good jump shot, Isaiah was learning to play the game in a completely different way than most youth.  He tore his retina in one eye and despite surgery and efforts to save his sight, he eventually became blind in one eye.  He was therefore learning coping mechanisms to compensate for his sight, and how to play through his unique circumstance.  Bearing this secret until very recently, he admits to hiding his loss of vision in one eye because he was afraid people would tell him ‘No’ suggesting that he wasn’t good enough, or not take a chance on him because he only could see through one eye.  Instead he found ways to tell them ‘Yes’ before they even had a chance to say ‘No’.

I share these stories and the Nike Ad because intrinsic motivation is such a vital source of the drive we must have to succeed.  I think about my favorite line whenever I get the sense that someone thinks I’m not good enough, or when I come across an obstacle blocking me from something that I want to achieve.  Our circumstances may not be the exact same as Derrick’s or Isaiah’s, but they serve as great examples of how to overcome the odds against them to achieve their goals in life.

Most importantly I use the Nike Ad and will now think of these athletes when doubt creeps into my own mind wondering if I’m good enough, or talented enough.  I think it’s safe to say that we have all had moments of self-doubt where we have second guessed ourselves or berated ourselves in comparison to others.  We can easily get sucked into the spiral of negativity in our minds and our thoughts second guessing ourselves on whether we are capable of something.  It’s natural for those thoughts to creep in occasionally, but it’s even more crucial to put them out and stand resilient with the confidence in ourselves.  We have to eliminate those thoughts and be determined to succeed the same way Derrick and Isaiah have persevered through their challenges to succeed.  The reason this is so important is because as the Nike Ad says: “They will tell you No”, so if you’re not willing to tell them ‘Yes’, then who will?

Story from ABC about Derrick Coleman click here.

Story from Sportscenter about Isaiah Austin click here