Be Refined, Not Defined

After being faced with disappointment, or a negative outcome have you ever just sat there thinking to yourself why me?  It may feel like a lonely spot at the time, but we have all been in that position before, so you’re definitively not alone.  This pivotal moment is where people are either made or broken.  The proverbial fork in the road where we decide to keep on trying or to let this moment be our demise.  People sometimes refer to it as a defining moment in their life.  I challenge that way of thinking and assert that one experience should not define an entire dynamic life because a person should not forever be defined by one experience.  Sure it might be a remarkable turning point, but instead it should be a refining moment.  The moment that helps create a better, stronger more successful person.

If you’ve ever watched a sculptor sculpt anything with a clay medium, you’re aware of what it takes to make a beautiful work of art.  It starts out as a rough art medium with no specific structure, looking like absolutely nothing at all.  Sometimes throughout the process the sculptor will add smaller globs of clay to the sculpture and mold and shape it incorporating it into the entire object.  Then over time, with sweat, effort, and refining movements using their hands and tools, it begins to take shape until the sculpture eventually emerges as a beautiful work of art.

This is how we need to attack those moments of misery, failed attempts, broken dreams and despair.  It starts out as something that is completely ugly and undesirable, much like a boring glob of clay.  It’s difficult to see what the end result will be and what can come from something so unattractive.

Just like sculpting a work of art we must take time, concentration and care to refine ourselves through these moments.  Each obstacle and challenge we face is like adding on another ball of clay to the sculpture that we must incorporate into our beautiful and successful self.  These adversities are added to our lives in the midst of our pursuit of our goals and dreams.  We must take them in stride and like the artist scrape away the unwanted bits that are not helpful to keep and let them go.  Then we mold and shape the lessons and experiences left from these moments using them to refine us into a better person. 

Therefore we can’t let our situations and these moments define who we are.  Sure these situations will influence our lives, but we cannot let them control our lives, we need to be in control of our lives. That is the difference between being defined and refined.  If we choose to be defined by our circumstances we are never controlling our destiny.  Instead we become bystanders in our own lives instead of active participants.  Who wants to be the audience of their own life?  We should be the director, producer and also play the lead role.  It’s our life!

We should constantly be looking for what we can learn from these experiences and how those lessons can make us into a better person.  Tomorrow is coming and we can’t dwell on the negative for too long.  It’s alright to feel the frustration and the pain for a little bit, that’s a natural part of the process.  An artist takes time to look at what they will sculpt from to decide on a plan of action to start working.  In a similar way, we too can take some time to create our own plan of action to sculpt our situation into a way to make us a more successful person.

With each refining moment, we are constantly improving, much like the sculptor improves their sculpture with each carving gesture to become increasingly accurate to their vision.  With each challenge we are faced with we are gaining preparation for something greater in our future and getting that much closer to becoming who we want to be.

This won’t be the first time we will meet a challenge, and it certainly won’t be the last.  But what we do with it will determine whether we are refined or defined.

They Will Say No, You Will Say Yes

It’s definitely that time of year in sports.  There are NFL Playoff games happening, and NCAA College Basketball is in full swing.  So many of us watch great catches and defensive plays on the football field, and then flip the channel to amazing dunks that make us stand up and high five complete strangers.  If you take the time to read some of my past blogs, it will come as no surprise that I pull a lot of motivation and leadership philosophy from athletes, sports quotes and sports teams.

This week, I was reminded of something from playing basketball my freshman year in high school when I heard the stories of two athletes Derrick Coleman and Isaiah Austin.  I was reminded of a motivational quote our coach gave us during our first team meeting.  It stuck out to me, so I cut it out and hung it in my locker.  From then on, I would look at this quote all through high school, college, and eventually come to share it with people I supervised when I started working full time.  It’s from a Nike Ad (the ad is below) and although I love the whole thing, my favorite line is:

“They will tell you no.

A thousand times no. Until all the no’s become meaningless. 

All your life they will tell you no.

Quite firmly and very quickly.

And you will tell them yes.”

Derrick Coleman is a player for the Seattle Seahawks.  He climbed the ranks playing football through high school, at UCLA, and now will play on the greatest and biggest stage in the NFL, the Super Bowl.  I came across Derrick through, surprisingly enough, a Duracell commercial.  After reading more about Derrick I realized that he has a very inspirational story.  What you may not know about him, is that he is a legally deaf person playing in the NFL.  In a sport where snap counts, audibled plays (plays changed by the quarterback before the ball is hiked) and crowd noise play a vital role in the success of the team, Derrick has learned through his hearing aid and coping mechanisms to play at the most elite level in the sport.  From being a child trying to fit his hearing aid under his helmet, to going undrafted in the NFL, he was constantly being told ‘No’ and through perseverance and determination, he told them ‘Yes’.

The story of Isaiah Austin is also a story of triumph under difficult odds.  Isaiah Austin is a basketball player for Baylor University, a Division I Men’s Basketball Team.  Through a routine dunk in warm ups during middle school, he aggravated an injury from little league.  In basketball where eye sight and depth perception are as vital as a good jump shot, Isaiah was learning to play the game in a completely different way than most youth.  He tore his retina in one eye and despite surgery and efforts to save his sight, he eventually became blind in one eye.  He was therefore learning coping mechanisms to compensate for his sight, and how to play through his unique circumstance.  Bearing this secret until very recently, he admits to hiding his loss of vision in one eye because he was afraid people would tell him ‘No’ suggesting that he wasn’t good enough, or not take a chance on him because he only could see through one eye.  Instead he found ways to tell them ‘Yes’ before they even had a chance to say ‘No’.

I share these stories and the Nike Ad because intrinsic motivation is such a vital source of the drive we must have to succeed.  I think about my favorite line whenever I get the sense that someone thinks I’m not good enough, or when I come across an obstacle blocking me from something that I want to achieve.  Our circumstances may not be the exact same as Derrick’s or Isaiah’s, but they serve as great examples of how to overcome the odds against them to achieve their goals in life.

Most importantly I use the Nike Ad and will now think of these athletes when doubt creeps into my own mind wondering if I’m good enough, or talented enough.  I think it’s safe to say that we have all had moments of self-doubt where we have second guessed ourselves or berated ourselves in comparison to others.  We can easily get sucked into the spiral of negativity in our minds and our thoughts second guessing ourselves on whether we are capable of something.  It’s natural for those thoughts to creep in occasionally, but it’s even more crucial to put them out and stand resilient with the confidence in ourselves.  We have to eliminate those thoughts and be determined to succeed the same way Derrick and Isaiah have persevered through their challenges to succeed.  The reason this is so important is because as the Nike Ad says: “They will tell you No”, so if you’re not willing to tell them ‘Yes’, then who will?

Story from ABC about Derrick Coleman click here.

Story from Sportscenter about Isaiah Austin click here

Take the First Step

As I was watching HBO’s Real Sports they did a story on Nik Wallenda.  You might recognize his name as one of the most daring and famous tightrope walkers of our era.  He’s accomplished what many would describe as unimaginable, brave, and downright dangerous.  Some of his feats include crossing the Little Colorado River Gorge next to the Grand Canyon, as well as crossing Niagara Falls on a tight rope.  He holds an amazing 7 world records. 

Now the closest I’ve ever come to walking a tight rope is playing on a balance beam on the playground as a kid, so I’m no Nik.  But during that interview he mentioned two things that really stood out to me about how we live our lives, and how similar it is to what he accomplishes on the tight rope. 

He said the hardest part of some of his aerial stunts is taking the first step as he walks out onto the wire.  Once he’s past that, the jitters of starting are done, and he can concentrate on the intricacies of the rest of the act.

The truth is the first step really is the most difficult any time you start something new.  As school has started, the first step for a student into the hallway or on campus can be scary.  If you’ve decided you want to start a business, the first step of opening the store front and taking a leap of faith can be terrifying.  Sometimes it’s intimidating walking into the boss’s office to suggest a new initiative, starting a conversation with a significant other about something serious, or even starting a new job. 

The first step in all of these is scary for the same reason the first step is scary for Nik.  It’s a fear of the unknown and wondering: “What will the rest of the journey be like?” There’s also a fear of not succeeding and wondering: “Will I make it?” “Will I survive?”.  You’re human and those are natural feelings to have.  We have all felt that at one time while embarking on a new endeavor.  What Nik does is he practices frequently to anticipate the stunt and various scenarios that can happen on the wire in order to complete the act and diminish the odds of falling. 

In our own lives we must also prepare ourselves to diminish the danger of failing after that first step.  It comes down to preparedness and trusting in your preparedness.  We should constantly be putting in the work to make ourselves better and ready to succeed after that first step.  There will be obstacles that can’t be accounted for, but our preparation and keeping our mindset focused can help us overcome those and make it to the other end.  Nik prepares for gusts of wind on the rope high above natural wonders, but sometimes Mother Nature has a surprise for him.  But trusting in his preparation and staying focused on succeeding, he continues on much like we need to do when we’re faced with something unexpected.

The second statement that stuck with me is the fact that he doesn’t use a safety net or harness to perform.  He said, "My great-grandfather taught that safety nets offer a false sense of security,"  Going on to say that a safety net is no guarantee because an uncle of his was killed while performing, despite falling into a safety net.

All too often we are afraid to take that first step unless we are completely sure that we will be safe from failing.  Sometimes we hinder ourselves from trying something new because we fill our minds with: “What if it doesn’t work out?”.  Failing is a part of life and what we learn some of our most valuable lessons from.  If Nik subscribed to these thoughts he wouldn’t have 7 world records because he never would have taken that first step without a safety net.  I had a supervisor once share with me that paralysis by analysis can prevent us from moving forward in our lives if we get caught up worrying about the ‘what ifs’.  Overthinking something might be holding you back right now.  It takes a lot of courage to trust the process, and to trust your-self to make the best decisions.  Undoubtedly you’ve survived some very rough times, and bounced back stronger.  You’ve healed your wounds and gotten back up on that wire to take another first step to finish your journey.  That means you already know you’re a survivor.

Sometimes you will fail, just like sometimes Nik has fallen off that wire.  But he gets back up on it and tries again, and that’s what I know you can do.  If you’ve got a dream to chase, or you’re about to try something new or different, don’t be afraid to take the first step, and don’t worry if it doesn’t work out.  Just get back up on the wire after some more preparation, trust the process and take that first step again. 

You will make it to the other end of the wire. I know you can do it.

For those of you that are interested, here's a quick news story about Nik
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX_jFK9Zf5k