We are Under Construction

Recently, I’ve been able to sit on my patio as I write my posts.  Sometimes I will look up from my screen to pull together some thoughts on the topic before my fingers dance across the keyboard bringing those thoughts to fruition.  During this ritual of creating my recent posts I’ve watched a building being built in what used to be an empty lot across the street.   While seeing this building develop, and reflecting on my own journey in life, it struck me how we are all always under construction, and that we are constantly building on ourselves.

As any good realtor (commercial or residential) will tell you, one of the most important things about a property is location, location, location.  As we look at our lives and think about how we want to develop as a person, this comes down to our environment.  You can apply this to an actual physical location such as a city where you live, or in a figurative way such as being in a certain type of situation.  Either way, the environment that you are in can truly influence how you will build yourself up as a person.  If it is a negative space where you are bombarded with criticism, and judgment the opportunity for you to build confidence and strength will be more difficult.  Whereas an environment filled with encouragement and support will tend to allow you to flourish and truly develop as you would like to.

This brings me to your foundation.  Before any sort of frame is constructed for a building the foundation is made sound and secure.  Depending on the type of building being built and location, the foundation will be created in different ways to secure the structure appropriately.  When we are looking to develop ourselves it’s important that we are based on a firm foundation.  Now this will vary from person to person, but your core ideals such as morals, values and ethics are good examples of a foundation.  Being solid and firm in these three things can really help to guide you through different situations as they arise regardless of whatever stress comes along.  No two buildings are the same, so it’s important that you’re developing your own foundation and go with what works for you as an individual.

Once a building’s foundation is set and ready, the structural support is constructed.  These are the studs that frame the structure of the building.  It’s important to think about what you are using to build yourself up with.  Anything too weak, and at the first tempest you can easily come crashing down.  Instead, build yourself up with a strong material that can weather anything.  Sure most buildings might lose a few bricks and shingles in a storm, but most importantly the structure needs to be strong and stable.  Some suggestions are setting standards for yourself, deciding on what type of attitude you will engage others with, declaring that you will be a positive person and finding the silver lining in situations.  These are the things that will help you to withstand adversity as you’re presented with it.   The main question to ask is: “Are you developing yourself in a way that you can endure unexpected positive and negative life experiences?”

Once the structure is created, it is time to put on the walls which translates into the things you surround yourself with.  I’ve written about this more in depth in my post ‘Your Friends Are Your Future’.  But similar to location, this has a huge influence on you.  An aesthetic building is surrounded by walls that enhance the structure behind the walls.  In a comparable way, we must surround ourselves with people who will bring the best out of us and help us to show the beauty of our personality.  If we just put up any old wall covering the building does not reflect the original design.  Similarly if we surround ourselves with just anyone, we can be stifled and held back from developing into the person we desire to become.    

Once a building is almost finished, the next thing to do is to fill it with furniture and decorate, which will enhance the inside of it.  We too need to fill ourselves with things that will make us better people.  This can come in a variety of forms, and much like furniture some things will stay around forever, and some might be a short lived experience.  Challenging ourselves to try something new, getting an education on a topic, eating healthier, learning a new skill, reading a good book, or delving deeper into a religion are all ways to fill ourselves with things that will help us to improve and build a strong person.

As you develop and build yourself into the person you want to be, it is important that you have planned and can expect expansion.  This is significant because as I stated in the beginning of this post, we are always under construction.  Life changes, causing us to change, and to grow as people.  Expansion does not specifically refer to finding a partner and expanding your family, but that can be a part of it.  What I mean by expansion is being ready to change and add on to yourself as you gain experiences.  Many buildings have a wing added on in the future, or a room, and some will double in their square footage to meet a demand.  We must be willing to grow and improve on ourselves as our lives change.  A catalyst for change can be a new partner in our life, or it could be a new career, or moving to a new city where we will experience change.  The process of expansion is very similar to how we’ve developed from the foundation all the way through the same steps as we become better people.  It’s never easy to put up a building and it isn’t a fast process.  It takes a lot of time, a lot of people and lots of planning.  We are no different.  We build ourselves up over time, it takes many people supporting us in our lives, and we have to set goals in order to develop into the person we want to become.

 

Love Yourself

I know, I know, as if there wasn’t enough pink and red everywhere now this post is about love?  Gross! Well it’s not as limited to what you think, so hang around for a bit longer.  As a single-30-something-male who is a hopeless romantic, I understand that the love stuff at this time of year is overwhelming.  I’ve been inundated with marketing and images of Valentine’s Day just like you.  But that inevitable day sits at the end of this week with a smug grin on its face waiting for people to max out credit cards on flowers, dinner and jewelry.  For many of us, it’s enough bombardment that I’ve heard some people use a four letter expletive as an action verb towards the day.  If you’re in a relationship or newly dating, it might be different.  There’s a lot of pressure placed on you to make the day special with roses, chocolates, or going to a fictional store character named Jared to spend a hefty part of your pay check as a monetary confirmation of your love.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been guilty before of participating in the mass consumerism that has come with Valentine’s Day; but through relationships and dating (good and bad experiences) I have begun to see love differently.  Our society and media whips us into a frenzy of magical love whether it’s an episode of the ‘Bachelor’ or that woman who sings “Every kiss begins with Kay”.  It teaches us that to truly know love, is to have a significant other who sweeps us off our feet, as we melt in their arms the same way they melt into ours.  I disagree.  I’m not a cynic and it’s not that I think it’s impossible to find that kind of love, but love comes in so many different forms beyond just that of a relationship with a significant other.

The commercialized love leads many of us to forget that every day we feel love from our families, our friends and most importantly our self.  Yes.  Our self.  The most important person you can and will ever love is the person you see in the mirror every day.  This isn’t where I launch into a diatribe that sounds like a single person’s manifesto bringing solidarity among single folks, that’s not what this is about.  The reality is whether you are in a relationship or not, no one can validate you more than you can validate yourself.  You don’t need to and should never rely on someone else’s acceptance of you to make you feel good about yourself.

I’m aware that much of this comes down to self-confidence.  Your self-confidence can be assembled through a variety of different forms whether it’s an outward physical appearance, the way you dress, your personality type, the hobbies that you have, etc.   We are judged every day by these things, and unless you meet a socially constructed stereotypical deal in all of them, there is a great chance that your self-confidence might be a bit damaged.  Perhaps you’ve been shamed into thinking you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, feminine enough, masculine enough and the list goes on and on.  At the end of the day however it’s vital to your own happiness that you find validation from within, and block out the negativity ridiculing you, or making you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.  You need to love you, for being you.

Take the time to perfect the things about yourself that you enjoy and love, instead of trying to do the things you think someone else will like about you.  There is nothing wrong with a little self-improvement and wanting to make ourselves a better person, but do it for you.  We are in a constant state of change through maturing, and learning new things.  It works very similar to home improvement.  We find something we don’t like about ourselves and put in the time, work, and effort to make it better.  The caveat is not getting caught up in curb appeal.  Don’t change yourself to live up to someone else’s standard, change yourself to live up to your own standard.  Remember, the most important person you can ever love is yourself.  Without loving yourself, you can easily fall victim to losing yourself.  With such a loss, the talents, ideas, hopes and dreams that you have can be lost as well.    

Some of you might still be caught up in the romance of Valentine’s Day and the idea of searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right.  I see a wife in my future as well, and that magical everlasting romance is something I want for myself, but the reality is that that type of love is hard.  Even in romance you need to love yourself first.  If you can’t get through the challenge of loving yourself first, then you’re never truly ready or secure enough to meet the challenge of loving someone else and you will settle.  You will inevitably settle for someone who you shouldn’t be with.  You need to reach a high level of self-love so that when someone else loves you, you can recognize that it’s not just your bank account, a fleeting infatuation, or lust awakening their loins that makes them love you.  You can be secure in the fact that it’s genuine love for who you are as a person.  You need to know yourself to know the love that you expect and deserve.

You’re the only you.  So through all your uniqueness, you need to see how beautiful you are in all your multifaceted ways.  Love yourself first and foremost and then be willing to accept the love of those around you.

Don't Quit

This past Thanksgiving Weekend was filled with some of the most exciting endings to college and NFL football games.  The most memorable was the end of the Auburn versus Alabama game, which has saturated almost every news and media outlet for the past few days.  I bring up this college football game not to exhaust an already fatigued sports news story, but because it serves as a classic example of why we should never give up, even if it seems like the game is over.

If you haven’t seen it, the Auburn win came on a last second, long range field goal attempt by Alabama, with both teams tied and braced for the possibility of going into overtime.  Auburn put one person in the end zone to catch the field goal if Alabama missed it short.  It was a heads up ‘let’s be prepared for any type of situation’ play calling mentality that gave them the win.  This attitude that the game isn’t over until the clock says zero is the mindset that we need to carry with us every day.  In life your game might be a job hunt, starting a business, or another circumstance you face where not continuing to try means the difference between quitting and success.

All too often many of us get caught up in convincing ourselves that our circumstances are too monumental to overcome and we give up.  We might have been trying so hard, for so long at something, that frustration has set in from a lack of the results that we expect.  Just when it seems like we are at the end of our journey some of us choose to quit.  Not quitting at that instant in time makes successful people successful.  Just when successful people start to think their ‘game’ is over or feel frustration start to set in, instead of quitting, they push a harder to keep on going until they reach their goal.

Before Auburn won they were down two touchdowns to the number one team in the nation but they didn’t give up and neither should you.  Auburn put someone in the end zone in preparation for something good that might happen to help them win.  They took a chance even though the odds were stacked against them, and that’s what we should do with every opportunity.  We need to be ready to go, ready to take a chance, ready to finish strong and play hard through every last second regardless of the odds we face.  Had Auburn not been ready for opportunity to come their way in the form of a short missed field goal, that game probably wouldn’t be in the history books for the way it ended, and Auburn might not be in the SEC championship game. 

You too have to be ready for opportunity to strike in whatever form it may come to you, just like Auburn was.  Don’t give up and say I’ll get it next time.  Had Auburn adopted that thought process, they could have lost in overtime.  Fight until the very last second, and be prepared to put in extra effort just when it seems like it’s all over, because an opportunity might come your way.  When opportunity knocks, you need to make sure you’re ready with a welcome mat ready to let it come into your life.

Over the years I’ve shared a poem titled “Don’t Quit” written by an anonymous author with those I have supervised.  I would share it with them as motivation to keep working hard no matter what.  It’s my favorite poem to read for inspiration, and the last stanza which I have pasted below summarizes what I’m getting at with this week’s blog.
(You can Google “Don’t Quit poem” for the full version)

"Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit."