Love Yourself

I know, I know, as if there wasn’t enough pink and red everywhere now this post is about love?  Gross! Well it’s not as limited to what you think, so hang around for a bit longer.  As a single-30-something-male who is a hopeless romantic, I understand that the love stuff at this time of year is overwhelming.  I’ve been inundated with marketing and images of Valentine’s Day just like you.  But that inevitable day sits at the end of this week with a smug grin on its face waiting for people to max out credit cards on flowers, dinner and jewelry.  For many of us, it’s enough bombardment that I’ve heard some people use a four letter expletive as an action verb towards the day.  If you’re in a relationship or newly dating, it might be different.  There’s a lot of pressure placed on you to make the day special with roses, chocolates, or going to a fictional store character named Jared to spend a hefty part of your pay check as a monetary confirmation of your love.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been guilty before of participating in the mass consumerism that has come with Valentine’s Day; but through relationships and dating (good and bad experiences) I have begun to see love differently.  Our society and media whips us into a frenzy of magical love whether it’s an episode of the ‘Bachelor’ or that woman who sings “Every kiss begins with Kay”.  It teaches us that to truly know love, is to have a significant other who sweeps us off our feet, as we melt in their arms the same way they melt into ours.  I disagree.  I’m not a cynic and it’s not that I think it’s impossible to find that kind of love, but love comes in so many different forms beyond just that of a relationship with a significant other.

The commercialized love leads many of us to forget that every day we feel love from our families, our friends and most importantly our self.  Yes.  Our self.  The most important person you can and will ever love is the person you see in the mirror every day.  This isn’t where I launch into a diatribe that sounds like a single person’s manifesto bringing solidarity among single folks, that’s not what this is about.  The reality is whether you are in a relationship or not, no one can validate you more than you can validate yourself.  You don’t need to and should never rely on someone else’s acceptance of you to make you feel good about yourself.

I’m aware that much of this comes down to self-confidence.  Your self-confidence can be assembled through a variety of different forms whether it’s an outward physical appearance, the way you dress, your personality type, the hobbies that you have, etc.   We are judged every day by these things, and unless you meet a socially constructed stereotypical deal in all of them, there is a great chance that your self-confidence might be a bit damaged.  Perhaps you’ve been shamed into thinking you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, feminine enough, masculine enough and the list goes on and on.  At the end of the day however it’s vital to your own happiness that you find validation from within, and block out the negativity ridiculing you, or making you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.  You need to love you, for being you.

Take the time to perfect the things about yourself that you enjoy and love, instead of trying to do the things you think someone else will like about you.  There is nothing wrong with a little self-improvement and wanting to make ourselves a better person, but do it for you.  We are in a constant state of change through maturing, and learning new things.  It works very similar to home improvement.  We find something we don’t like about ourselves and put in the time, work, and effort to make it better.  The caveat is not getting caught up in curb appeal.  Don’t change yourself to live up to someone else’s standard, change yourself to live up to your own standard.  Remember, the most important person you can ever love is yourself.  Without loving yourself, you can easily fall victim to losing yourself.  With such a loss, the talents, ideas, hopes and dreams that you have can be lost as well.    

Some of you might still be caught up in the romance of Valentine’s Day and the idea of searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right.  I see a wife in my future as well, and that magical everlasting romance is something I want for myself, but the reality is that that type of love is hard.  Even in romance you need to love yourself first.  If you can’t get through the challenge of loving yourself first, then you’re never truly ready or secure enough to meet the challenge of loving someone else and you will settle.  You will inevitably settle for someone who you shouldn’t be with.  You need to reach a high level of self-love so that when someone else loves you, you can recognize that it’s not just your bank account, a fleeting infatuation, or lust awakening their loins that makes them love you.  You can be secure in the fact that it’s genuine love for who you are as a person.  You need to know yourself to know the love that you expect and deserve.

You’re the only you.  So through all your uniqueness, you need to see how beautiful you are in all your multifaceted ways.  Love yourself first and foremost and then be willing to accept the love of those around you.

Who Are You?

Who am I?  It’s a question that many people have asked themselves in many scenarios you can conjure up in your imagination.  Through my own recent observations of people interacting, I have found that we are often stuck in defining ourselves by our jobs and judging others by theirs.  If you’ve ever heard any of the following feel free to just nod your head:

“You’re only ever going to get a job at McDonalds.” – As a motivation to a student to study harder.

“I’m the new Chief Executive Officer.  You should listen to what I have to say.” – As a boss exerts himself without gaining loyalty through trust from their employees first.

“You’re a stay at home Mom? You mean you don’t work? What do you do?” –As one condescending person talks to a stay at home mom in a store with her kids.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not ignorant to the plethora issues at play in the statements above which involve privilege, socio-economic status, sexism, and the like.  You can believe that the role of intersectionality in these also is not lost on me.  There are plenty of other blog posts where I can address those.  At this moment I’m focusing on the common denominator of using employment as a label for a person’s worth, or your own self-worth.  I’ve been noticing the frequency of this recently, and I have experienced it in my own life.  There is no shame in any of those jobs listed, but as a society we have attached a specific judgment and value to each one of those titles.   

As I’ve networked with people in different situations, I’ve noticed that when meeting someone new “What’s your name?” is naturally the first question (which makes perfect sense).  However the common quick follow up question is “What do you do?”.  This post isn’t to berate you if you’ve ever done this because believe me I’m just as guilty of asking this.  We typically use this second question because it is an easy and safe question to come up with right away in a conversation to break the ice.  But think about the stereotypes that quickly flood our minds as soon as someone says what they do.  Think about the jobs I mentioned above and what came to mind as you read each one.  Sometimes this can shut down what was once an open communication line, or creates less of a desire to get to know someone.  Even a good natured and kind hearted person has certain assumptions that come to mind when someone mentions that they do a specific job.  Let’s be honest with ourselves, it’s simply human nature to paint a mental picture.  It’s what you do with that picture and how you treat that person that makes a difference.   

In addition to this, quite often (I’ve been guilty of this too, and aim to work on it) that we have so much pride in our job that we proudly share our title as if it was printed in 24k gold lettering on a huge marquee.  Not only do we do this, but our family members and friends will boast about how they know the ‘so and so’ at ‘such and such’ to feel some sort of high status by association in a social situation.  Is there anything inherently wrong about this? No, not exactly.  If it is in the intention of networking it is safe, but when it becomes bragging it’s trouble.  The opposite happens if someone is unemployed or doesn’t feel their job is prestigious.  They will by shy to mention or fumble around saying what they do.  If we rely too heavily on that job title to determine our self-worth we can easily lose a sense of self.  This loss is not only among family and friends but in the job we do as well.

If you ever talk to, or read about anyone who has achieved greatness in any field they will tell you that they never lost a sense of who they were, and were able to bring that sense of self to whatever they were doing.  After some time, this allowed for creative ideas to emerge creating change, or for their character to be noticed and rewarded with bonuses/merit pay, or even for them to create their own business and follow a passion.  The common denominator is that they didn’t get caught up in a title of being powerful and defining themselves by WHAT they did and instead stayed true to themselves and focused on WHY they did it.

If we allow ourselves to be defined by what we do, we can easily lose a sense of why we are doing something and subsequently get sucked into a situation where we are doing it just for the money, not truly serving the people that we are supposed to, or making decisions in a selfish manner that only benefits ourselves.  In addition to this why define yourself by only one label?  There are many other aspects of your life that make up who you are.  Not only one label defines everything about you, so why would you willingly seize the opportunity to let your job define you. 

A common interview question is “What can you add to the team if we hire you?”.  On the spur of the moment the answer rolls off your tongue with ease sharing all the great talents you have and how you can be special wowing the interviewer.  Shortly after the hire letter, and the honeymoon of a new job is over, what was mentioned in that answer gets lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday work.  Well don’t let that happen!  You’re selling yourself and everyone around you short.  Bring all parts of yourself to your position and exert yourself as not just the CEO, the worker at McDonalds, or the stay at home mom.  You are a person who is dynamic and you should live your life as that dynamic person in all that you do.  To do anything different is to cheat yourself, and to cheat this world of your greatness.

As the song goes: “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.”  So I urge you…“Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”