Is Understanding Agreement?

Understanding and agreement.  All too often these words have been used as synonyms by those in conflict.  Often times when this happens there is one person who is trying to convince another to believe what they believe, and the other person/party will not forfeit their position because they believe their way is the right way.  Something tells me that you just nodded and smiled because you have identified with having been on an end of this continuum.  Well to you I say welcome, because I have been guilty of this as well.  I’ve also seen this play out in everything from college student roommate conflicts that I’ve mediated, to relationship issues I’ve talked to friends about, and (insert any topic here) debates.

Living in Austin, Texas I have had ring side seats to many a debate regarding abortion issues, affirmative action via Fisher v University of Texas, gun control conversations, and more recently the Affordable Health Care Act (what many call Obamacare).  Now don’t worry because this is NOT where the blog turns into a diatribe about how you should think on each issue.  Instead my observations of arguments is that passions run so high and that belief systems are so ingrained, that people refuse to understand or make an effort to understand an opposing view while still being able to disagree.
What I propose here is a skill that I have trained many staff members to do while mediating roommate conflicts.  It’s also something that is so simple to do that it will possibly change the next argument you get into.  I propose that you listen.  Not hear, but actually listen.  If you’ve ever seen this argument play out in the movie “White Men Can’t Jump” you know where I’m headed with this. 
It is important to listen to what the person is saying and take the time to have empathy (not sympathy, they are truly different things).  Don’t feel sorrow for the person because they are too dumb to believe what you believe, but instead put yourself in the person’s shoes for the moment and do your best attempt to see why they believe what they believe.  We all believe in something for a reason.  Take the time to learn what experiences have led to that person’s belief system.  Ask them in an inquisitive, not a derogatory way why they believe what they believe.  It is the rarest of occasions that someone wakes up one morning with an unwavering view on a topic.  Something or a collection of events in their life has brought them to that point and listening to them to understand why is what I encourage you to do in order to try to understand.  Sure this is a two-way street because they must be willing to explain why, but it is surprising sometimes at how many people are willing to tell their story of why if you take the time to listen.  This is where understanding can come about.
Now mind you, I am not encouraging or suggesting that you change your viewpoint, because you may not, and that is ok too.  Disagreement can coexist with understanding and that’s the point.  However, sometimes your world view can be greatly expanded because you now understand how someone could come to a certain belief system.  Sometimes such an intellectual expansion can lead to shifting your own viewpoint or having a greater understanding for your own viewpoint.
What I am encouraging is a greater understanding and a higher level of emotional intelligence when working with or interacting with others.  Your appreciation for coworkers, friends, family members, etc. can increase if your effort to understand increases.  The next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone, take the time to really think about and understand what the root of that disagreement is.  Do you understand what that person is saying?  Can you empathize with their position?  Are you working with them to resolve the conflict, or are you just defending yourself and not helping them to understand your own ‘why’?  Are you taking the time to truly listen to them?  Ask yourself some of these questions, and if you answer ‘No’ to any of them try to turn it into a ‘Yes’ and work to resolve conflict.  Often time conflict can bring people closer as they resolve it together, but unfortunately it also has potential to drive a more divisive wedge.  Choose wisely what you work towards.  I believe in you.